Freezing Illegal Immigration

BY STEVE BATES

The In Sight blog has been granted an exclusive tour of a prototype 800,000-square-foot migrant holding facility here in the boder town of Nogirlies, Texas. Our guide is ICE Interim Assistant Deputy Undersecretary Dudley Force.

“It’s awfully cold in here, Mr. Interim Assistant Deputy Undersecretary.”

“That’s because we have nearly 4,000 migrants frozen in these mammoth blocks of ice. We have to keep them from thawing. And you can just call me Interim.”

“Thanks, Interim. You can just call me the In Sight blog. Did I just hear you say that you have  people frozen in ice?”

New Kids in the Block

“Yes. We have a humanitarian crisis because so many people are arriving illegally. We tried keeping them in jails, in tents and in school gyms–even dumping them at McDonalds in the hope that they would get hired or simply hang out there indefinitely. There’s just too many migrants. And this border with the Evil Empire of Central America is ground zero.”

“Um, isn’t that Mexico right beyond that imaginary Wall?”

“Mexico. Central America. All the same. Bad hombres.”

“If you say so. Now, how does freezing people address the humanitarian crisis?”

“You and other Enemies of the State who write fake news have obsessed over our practice of separating children from their parents. Here, they remain in close proximity. Look, we’re thawing out a woman and her four children who are scheduled for a hearing on their spurious asylum claim. They’re far from separated.”

“Yes, I see that they are stuck together.”

“A temporary problem. We have staffers with blowtorches who can fix that.”

“Isn’t it dangerous to freeze people in ice?”

“You know, we didn’t think about that. We just saw a problem and decided to act decisively. Our president likes that kind of decision making.”

“Does it hurt when they are frozen and thawed out?

“Well, it might. But we have to do something to deter illegal immigration. And look: This family that has been frozen for three weeks looks as good as new. I’m sure that their vision and motor skills will return soon.”

“I notice that their skin has been bleached white by spending so much time in ice.”

“Just a fortunate side effect.”

“How did you come up with the idea of freezing migrants?”

“We are ICE, after all. We thought: Why not live up to the name?”

 “I heard a rumor that the president is going to tour this facility next week.”

“More fake news. Off the record, he keeps getting confused by the names ICE and ISIS.”

“What’s that siren for?”

“Head for the shelter! He must be bombing us again!”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.