BY STEVE BATES
As CEO of GigantiCorp, I feel it is my duty to bombard you with e-mails and smarmy TV ads informing you about what my company is doing for you in these extremely difficult times.
In short: Nothing.
You might have heard that we fired most of our 75,000 worldwide employees in early March. Once again, this action demonstrated how prescient our executives are in spotting trends and reacting diligently, far sooner than our pitiful competitors. Some misinformed people and hateful journalists portrayed this action as cruel and unnecessary. In reality, we spared these workers from the dangers of working in close quarters in our factories and warehouses, where disease spreads so readily. As you might have read, our facilities lack of proper ventilation, and employees are required to touch their faces in an act of obedience every time they see a supervisor. (The fact their leaders carry whips is irrelevant. Those are for scaring rats away from valuable products.)
You can be assured that our products and services will continue to be available, though at massively inflated prices. Many of the millions of ventilators, face shields and N95 protective masks we have stockpiled in our warehouses around the world are destined for the black market, but we will allow U.S. states to bid against one another feverishly—I like that word—for the few dregs we will release to the general public.
Some of the employees we retained are working 24/7 in a concealed “back room” executing timely scams related to the Chinese Virus. They are seated close enough to each other to touch elbows and other appendages; we view this as a way to boost camaraderie.
Our consulting services will also continue, though on a limited basis. Only employees already infected and showing symptoms will be available for site visits. Please go to our website to schedule these visits while the consultants can still draw breaths.
Some of you have asked about my welfare and that of my family. I can assure you that I am struggling with the implications of the Chinese Virus just like you are. When my friends in Congress alerted me and other top GigantiCorp executives in January that a horrendous pandemic was coming, I, like them, had reservations about dumping millions of dollars in petroleum stocks as well as selling off my restaurants and retail operations. In addition, I was forced to deal with the significant burden deciding where to re-invest my ill-gotten profits.
Ultimately, my purchase of a secret, pristine private island in the South Pacific turned out to be a prudent investment. I am retiring there with a select number of my former wives and my children—the ones whose names I can remember. Mines protect the island form intruders on all sides, and a missile defense system should be able to handle any other uninvited guests.
I must add that I can relate to those of you who believe that the Chinese Virus is merely a hoax or is a product of bitter, loser Democrats and their allies in the Deep State. To you true believers I can only say: There is a bridge in Brooklyn that I would like to sell you.