White House Issues Guidelines on Cannibalism

BY STEVE BATES

The Trump Administration today released new guidelines on cannibalism because of the damaging effects of the coronavirus on the U.S. meatpacking industry.

Some meat processing plants are closed temporarily because of a shortage of healthy, willing workers. Supplies of fresh and frozen beef, chicken, pork, emu, ostrich, possum, squirrel, woodchuck and other edible animals are scarce. In addition, greedy, thoughtless Democrats have been clearing supermarket shelves and hoarding meat items so that others in greater need cannot find them and therefore risk starvation.

In what the White House called a “sad but predictable American tradition,” some people are turning to cannibalism to ensure that their dietary needs are met.

“We don’t suggest that Americans eating other Americans should be the first option,” said President Donald J. Trump. “In fact, we would prefer that such actions be a last resort.”

Top government officials suggested these alternatives to cannibalism:

  • Cooking cherished family pets. “Give them a kind going-away ceremony,” suggested Vice President Mike Pence. “Make it a special event, and a bonding experience, for the whole family.”
  • Chewing on leather clothing and car seats. “A little A1 steak sauce helps,” noted Trump.
  • Eating every other day. “Try drinking heavily on the days you can’t eat,” said Pence. “Keep in mind that beer meets most nutritional needs.”
  • Consuming vegetables and grains. “Aw, who are we kidding?” said Trump. “Not going to happen.”

Administration officials conceded that these steps will not work for everyone. Therefore, they said, consider these suggestions for consuming human flesh:

  • Avoid eating people who have contracted the coronavirus, “unless they are asymptomatic or in the very early stages,” said Pence.
  • Avoid eating people who have been dead more than five days. “The health dangers to the eater begin multiply,” said Trump, though he noted that maggots make a fine dish prepared with a white wine sauce. “Excellent. Really tremendous.”
  • Avoid murdering healthy people, particularly wealthy Republicans. “I hate to say it,” said the president, “but this might be one time when illegal immigrants might be of some use. Just make sure you don’t get caught.”
  • For snacks, try bits of some of your least valuable organs. “Who really needs two kidneys?” said Pence.
  • Avoid old people. “They tend to be tough and stringy,” said Trump. “And, they tend to vote Republican, so we need them alive until Election Day.”
  • Seek volunteers from friends and family members. If that fails, draw straws or try Russian Roulette to determine the person who will be sacrificed for the greater good.

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