Tag Archives: Civil War

The Gettysburg Address–Trump Style

BY STEVE BATES

President Trump has his own take on history. Recently, he asked rhetorically why there was a Civil War and why President Andrew Jackson could not prevent it from happening. All of which makes me wonder what the Gettysburg Address might have sounded like had Trump been president in 1863. Here is the most likely version, Twitter-compatible:

lincoln

Eighty-seven years ago we completed a leveraged buyout of America from Britain. It wasn’t the best deal. We should have demanded Bermuda, and the Falkland Islands. But the important thing is that we won. Bigly.

I inherited this Civil War. It’s a mess. Look at this battlefield. Look at all these graves. Sad. Very sad. So many people lost, people who worked jobs and voted. A very important state. You love me here.

The world will little note, nor long remember, what I say here. Wait. Who wrote that? You there with the handlebar moustache? You’re fired!

The world will remember forever what I say here. And what I say is: It is for the living to make sure that these brave soldiers did not die in vain. We must win the war. We will win the war. We will crush the enemy. Wipe them out. Totally. The mother of all victories.

We will make America great again. So that the government of Trump, by Trump and for Trump shall not perish from the earth.

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