Tag Archives: Congress

Want Health Care? Get in Line, Soldier

BY STEVE BATES

President Trump and leading congressional Republicans have settled on health care legislation that would provide low-cost coverage in exchange for intensive public service, the In Sight blog has learned.

gop health

That public service will require extreme manual labor, which contributes to good health. The alternatives for this public service were still in the “conceptual stage” when this Fake News blog was being written, but an unidentified source with little or no knowledge of the actual GOP discussions said that these are among the options that Americans will be able to choose from:

SERVANTS: Citizens will be able to sign a contract of indentured servitude, requiring that they become servants for rich people. Serving drinks, rubbing sore feet, stoking fires, refilling sherry decanters, cleaning bathrooms and serving more drinks will be among the tasks. Servants with high IQs will help their masters cheat on their taxes.

SOLDIERS: Those with good eyesight and questionable morals will be sent to the front lines in the wars in Syria and North Korea. Freeze-dried daily food rations will be supplied at a reduced cost to these brave public servants. Those who survive will be given the same quality of veterans benefits that today’s veterans enjoy.

CLEAN ENERGY: Americans will be detailed to walk in circles pushing turbines to generate electricity for energy-intensive wide-screen televisions and other devices for the affluent. Even senior citizens with walkers will be able to contribute in this manner.

TRANSPORTATION: Want a sea voyage in exchange for cheap health coverage? Sign up for the galley option and get strapped in with the rest of the rowing crews as they propel military vessels across the seven seas. Watch out for that whip.

CONSTRUCTION: A large number of Americans will be needed to build the wall separating Mexico and the U.S. At first, volunteers will threaten private landowners who refuse to donate their property. Next they will battle coyotes and cougars and fell massive trees as they clear the land. Finally they will carry construction materials on their backs to get that wall done.

SECURITY: Here’s where children and small adults will get their chance to contribute. They will crawl through hollow walls and other confined spaces in the Trump Tower, the White House and other federal buildings to systematically remove all the wiretaps planted by the shameless Obama Administration in its final, bitter days.

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The Genius of Donald Trump

BY STEVE BATES

This is very hard for me to say, so I’ll come right out with it: Donald Trump is the smartest president I have seen in my lifetime. Considering that I am a hard-core liberal and voted against Trump, this constitutes a major turnaround for me–and one that is very hard to admit.

donald

My epiphany is based solidly on the evidence. Consider these policies and actions of the 45th president:

THE WALL: Not only does Trump plan to build a border wall that could cost upward of $20 billion, he plans to pay for in part by weakening other parts of our national security, such as the TSA and Coast Guard. What this means is that instead of relatively poor Mexicans trying to cross the border into our country to make a better life for their children, the people coming into the U.S. illegally will be arriving by planes and ships. That will bring a richer, higher-class brand of terrorists who will contribute to the national economy before committing their heinous crimes.

FOREIGN POLICY: North Korea is just itching for a fight, firing missiles in the general direction of Japan and promising to destroy American military bases in that country. It has even claimed that, eventually, it will start blowing up our West Coast. What has the president done in response? He kept eating his overcooked steak at his country club in Florida, and he has said nothing publicly. The man tweets about everything he sees on Fox News, but direct military threats from a dangerous country merit no comment? Clearly, he is being sly. One morning soon an unsuspecting North Korea will be reduced to radioactive slag.

GUNS: A recent presidential order ensures that mentally ill Americans can get guns. And Trump has failed to take any action that would limit access to firearms by people on the terror watch list. Clearly, the president is setting them up. He wants these folks to show their hands—and weapons—so that he can round them up and start the waterboarding.

HEALTH CARE: Trump and his fellow Republicans in the House and Senate have crafted legislation that is quite amazing. It manages to help the rich at the expense of the poor while angering conservatives who feel that it gives the poor too much. At the same time, it removes what few incentives remained for major private insurance companies to participate. Only the smartest minds in government could have devised such a brain-dead proposal.

RUSSIA: Some very suspicious people have suggested that Trump has a man-crush on Putin and hesitates to criticize Russia. They have it wrong. Trump doesn’t love Russia; he loves the old Soviet Union. After he conquers Canada, Mexico and a few Central American countries whose names he can’t even pronounce, he’ll have an empire that will outshine the best that the Soviets ever managed.

WIRETAPPING: Claiming that Barack Obama ordered secret and illegal surveillance of Trump in his modest New York City home was the most brilliant move of all by the new president. Clearly, Trump wants everyone to think that he is mentally unsound. So, when the IRS finds that he cheated on his taxes, or when Wikileaks proves that he is cheated on his taxes or is indebted to Russia, he can cop an insanity plea and get out of any legal trouble he might encounter.

Welcome, Outsiders

BY STEVE BATES

Welcome, outsiders, I’m your tour guide, Llewellyn. Congratulations on passing all the Beltway Border background checks and making it into Washington, D.C., our nation’s capital. You have all been certified as having no previous experience in government at any level. What’s more, you all have work and personal histories demonstrating no strong experience or knowledge in any important field. In short, you’re perfect for the new Washington.

The tour will start shortly. But first, are they are questions?

outside

Do I understand you correctly, little Timmy? You want to know who is the president of the United States right now, and if we can go see him? That’s a great question, little Timmy. Let’s see. First it was President Trump. Then there was a new Supreme Court after most of the former justices decided to move to South America. Then there was a new amendment to the Constitution requiring that all government officials be outsiders. I think President Trump filled most of the high court openings with smart people from New York. Investors in his businesses, if I recall.

But then an amazing and wonderful thing happened, little Timmy. What’s that? Timmy isn’t your name? It is if I say so.

Where was I? Oh yes, an amazing thing happened. The outsiders elected to the Congress decided that once a president had been in office for a month, he or she—excuse me for laughing at the idea of a woman president—He was no longer an outsider. He had been in office long enough to become an insider. And you know what we do to insiders.

Don’t get me wrong. All the insiders are being taken care of very well in the camps. At least, that’s what I read in the newspaper. The newspaper written and edited by members of the Falls Church ladies garden club. How very accurate they are. Who misses that scum who used to fill the White House press corps!

So the Supreme Court agreed with the Congress, and Mr. Trump moved to Texas to work on that Big Wall. Then there was President Sanders. Then, if I recall correctly, President Cruz. Then a bunch of folks. And today, why it’s Charlie Sheen. But I don’t think we can go see him today, fellow outsiders. The White House is still being renovated into a casino and hotel complex that will eventually cover 24 square blocks.

The first stop on our tour is the National Symphony building, where the old orchestra has been replaced by 16 marching bands from rural states. When they all play different songs at once and march into one another, it’s quite an experience. We won’t stop as we pass the Department of the Interior. It’s still being besieged by unemployed ranchers from out West. We’re confident that any day now their shipment of snacks will arrive and they will storm the building and take charge there.

After that we’ll make a quick stop at Walter Reed Hospital, where some of the finest Americans care for our many war wounded. The surgeons have no training, but as you know most of them stayed recently at a Holiday Inn Express. We’ll have lunch across from the majestic Capitol building. If we’re in luck, we might get a glimpse of some of the Scout Groups who now debate and pass our laws.

What’s that you ask, little Timmy? Why aren’t we moving? That’s another great question. The outsiders responsible for trash collection, for motor vehicle repair, for making the traffic signals work and for a few other relatively unimportant functions are still getting up to speed, as they say. But gridlock is not really much of an impediment for me, little Timmy, given the fact that I’m blind. The important thing is that we are all outsiders, and that the future belongs to us.

Any other questions?