Tag Archives: deep state

I Am the Deep State

BY STEVE BATES

I am the Deep State. I am out to get Donald Trump. He will never find me.

I manipulated the transcript of a seemingly innocuous phone call to make it appear that there was some sort of improper motive in my effort to get Ukraine to root out corruption. In fact, it was the Deep State’s corruption that Ukraine is hiding, along with that of Quid Pro Joe Biden and Biden’s crooked son.

For years, I have buried my agents in the lamestream news media. Sleeper cells in all the major news networks—even Fox News—are now doing my bidding, as are well-groomed writers and editors at the failing liberal newspapers. The media are warping Trump’s words and deeds to suggest, if not outright claim, that he did something wrong.

There was one close call. A few years ago, brave Americans nearly uncovered my conspiracy to make sex slaves of children in the back of a Washington, D.C., pizza parlor. But I managed to whisk away the helpless children and the Democratic predators just in time.

The real Obama birth certificate.

In the minutes after the 2012 attack on our embassy in Benghazi, Libya, I cleansed the scene of evidence that should have incriminated Hillary Clinton for ordering that horrific assault on United States diplomats and other innocent people. I ignored the dying Americans in the process.

I stole and destroyed documents and bribed or threatened many an official to cover up the most heinous act of treason in the past century—the improper use of an email account by Hillary. That might have been my finest hour.

Getting Obamacare enacted was difficult, but because I had spent decades hiding loopholes in the rules and procedures for Congress, a small number of evil Democrats were able to push through this affront to all that is good and holy in this country. Who can measure the damage that has been inflicted on the U.S. by my insistence that people with pre-existing medical conditions have health coverage.

It was easy for me to produce a fraudulent birth certificate claiming that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii. Removing all the evidence of his actual birth in Kenya was more challenging, but there is nothing I will not do to protect the rich, atheist, socialist Democratic elites and punish the honest, hard-working, God-fearing Republicans of this country.

Having not the slightest fear of exposure, I caused the Great Recession, just because I could get away with it.

It was I who planted the Iran-Contra scandal in the Reagan administration, providing the only blemish on an otherwise glorious eight years of right-wing rule.

I persuaded the Japanese to attack Pearl Harbor. I sank American ships in countless wars. I danced with glee when brave men and women perished.

I am the deep State. I am out to get Donald Trump.

He will never find me, because I exist only in his mind.

Erasing Obama

BY STEVE BATES

Welcome to the Museum of Revised American History. Straight ahead is the Hall of the Presidents.

What’s that you ask? Why is there a giant empty space where the 44th president would be enshrined? An excellent question.

All traces of the eight years he served have been eradicated. You’re too young to have lived through that terrible, awful time. But I can tell you, it is amazing that our people and our country survived it.

We’re not supposed to talk about that time. Better to let the healing continue, our wonderful President for Life says.

obama

Believe it or not, before the President for Life, there was something called a free press, not the state-controlled media we have now. People were bombarded with fake news. They really didn’t know what to think. They even were led to believe that the President for Life was not very smart and he did some things that were not in the best interests of our great country. Boy, did he correct those false claims.

We can guess that the sorry mess that is our health care system can be traced to the terrible decisions made by whoever was the president back in those dark days. And the fact that several horrible wars have broken out across the globe in the past few years likely also can be linked to that worst-ever president.

No, I don’t recall his name. Those of us over the age of 21 have all had microchips implanted in our brains, with the wonderful result that all of our unpleasant memories of that miserable time have been erased. I do have the vague feeling that the man was an illegal immigrant, born in Africa or Hawaii or some other foreign country bent on our destruction.

How could one man do so much damage? Another excellent question. Historians believe that he did not act alone. There was a Deep State Conspiracy that our President for Life detected and wiped out, though the battle was long and bloody. There was one woman in particular who was particularly heinous. She sent several e-mails, I’m told. I shudder to think of how much our wonderful nation was corrupted by her disgusting actions.

But let’s not dwell on the past. Up ahead is a huge exhibition illustrating the accomplishments of our President for Life. The glowing monument at the center celebrates the historic peace agreement under which we relinquished our autonomy to the Russian Federation. Life is so much more serene now that the tension between our countries has been alleviated.

Next stop is the cafeteria. Today’s special is borscht. Of course, borscht is the special every day. Remember that if you want bread with your meal, you’ll need to get in that line. Looks like a two-hour wait today. Not nearly as bad as some days.

What’s that you say? You didn’t enjoy your visit to the Museum of Revised American History? Guard! I think we have a new recruit for the Labor Camp.