BY STEVE BATES
I plan to rule the world someday. I’m not sure exactly when or how this will happen. But happen it will.
I have been saving up ideas for what I will do when I rule the world. Here’s my rough draft, by category.
Instead of fighting over gun restrictions, we need to try a new approach: bullet control. Let’s forbid the sale and use of all bullets except those with marshmallow points. Or we’ll allow harder bullets that can move at no more than 3 miles per hour.
Let’s spend more on research to develop new energy sources. I understand that it might be possible someday to turn carbon pollution into methane fuel. Maybe we can also find a way to harness the energy of used tennis balls and laundry lint to power the 21st century.
Landlines and cellphones are bombarded with junk calls, despite laws restricting them. If we can’t block them, at least require each caller to pay you a dollar for the right to call right during dinner or when you’re trying to get junior to sleep.
If we allow Twitter to exist–and I’m not sure that we should–we should include the following message with each tweet: “Warning: The surgeon general has determined that Twitter can cause all kinds of bad things to happen. Stay far away. And don’t read any tweet from anyone inside the Washington Beltway.”
Cellphones will self-destruct when operated continuously for more than 12 hours.
Soccer is in most need of an upgrade. I would double the width and height of the goals. And I would require that goalkeepers be no larger than five-foot-six and play with one hand tied behind their back.
To make football less dangerous, I would force all players to wear at least two layers of bubble wrap before venturing out onto the field.
I’ve given up trying to make baseball games shorter. I would fine every player who spits more than one gallon during a nine-inning game. Two gallons for extra innings.
To make golf more interesting, I would make it a contact sport. You can swing any club in the bag at any opponent at any time. Fans would be required to yell every time a player tries to putt.
I am particularly unhappy with drivers who mosey along at 15 miles per hour below the speed limit while blocking the left lane for mile after mile, only to dart across three lanes to make a right-lane exit at the last instant. Their 30-day sentences would consist of them driving all day behind a smelly trash truck moving at 5 miles per hour on a one-lane road.
All bars of soap would be hollow, so that you are never left with a sliver.
Use of the term “shiplap” would be illegal on TV networks. It’s a made-up word used by people trying to prove how cool they are.
Elected officials would be required to wear uniforms like race car drivers. Their patches would indicate the corporations that gave them more than $1 million. If they ran out of space for those patches on their jackets and pants, they would be allowed to put them on their undergarments.
Health care has gotten too expensive and complicated. Just let people go to doctors. Let the doctors provide the treatment and medicine the patients need. And charge the patients a reasonable amount. Is that so hard?
A new museum would be built on the National Mall dedicated to Hillary’s e-mails. Every e-mail she ever sent would appear on a rolling basis on massive screens. Tour guides and electronic kiosks would explain the damage that these e-mails have caused to national security and our country’s future.