Tag Archives: executive order

The Bald Truth About Executive Orders

Much attention has been paid to the most controversial orders of the young Trump Administration, such as the one limiting travel to the U.S. from several countries that the president and his national security advisors have labeled “very naughty.” However, President Trump signed other important executive orders during his first two weeks in office. Most of them received little or no publicity.

As a public service, the In Sight blog provides the complete text of these executive orders:

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HAIR LOSS

The $1 billion that was designated for the worthless Joe Biden cancer moon shot will be transferred instead to a new effort to find cures for hair loss and techniques for hair regrowth in aging white men. It’s going to be huge.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

Moving clocks ahead one hour and back one hour is tedious and, frankly, useless. Instead, effective immediately, the sun is ordered to shine one hour more every day.

ALTERNATIVE FACTS

A Bureau of Alternative Facts is hereby created within the Department of Redundancy Department. It will provide the press and the public with better ways to measure things. For example, monthly economic reports will always be positive. Do I make myself clear?

THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE

Arnold, you tried, but beneath that tough surface, you’re a wimp. You’re fired. Clint Eastwood has the job now. Make my day.

FREDERICK DOUGLASS

In commemoration of Black History Month—and it’s a really great month, by the way, really great—I am inviting Frederick Douglass to the White House to watch the Super Bowl and talk about The Blacks. The Blacks really love me, by the way.

MEXICO WALL

Large, New York-based construction empires are invited to bid on construction of the border wall. Project plans with casinos and hotels built into the wall will be given very, very high priority, if you catch my drift.

BEYONCE

Beyonce’s baby will be named MAGA, for Make America Great Again. Enough said.

CLIMATE CHANGE

There has been too much talk about this mythical phenomenon, which all the scientists tell me is a Chinese hoax. Probably it’s a phrase someone found in one of those fortune cookies they give out at the Peking Tom down on 44th Street, which has really good General Tso’s Chicken, by the way. Who is this General Tso, anyway? Is he sort of like the Chinese Colonel Sanders? Somebody look that up.

TIGER WOODS

Tiger, you were the best. But you’ve lost it, my friend. Bad back? Hah. We know it’s too many late nights with too many white women. Time to give up tournament play, my friend. You can make a living teaching golf to rich widows in Florida. They’ll take care of you in their wills, too. By the way, seen the kids lately?

STEVE BANNON

In recognition of the significant contributions of my trusted advisor on national security matters, I hereby direct him never to smile. I don’t think he has smiled before in his life. I just want to make it official.

SUPREME COURT

The U.S. government, within 90 days, will purchase a private island in the Caribbean where designated liberal justices of the U.S. Supreme Court can retire in total bliss. No income taxes; all expenses paid; private yachts; free cable if it’s available, as long as it gets the New York stations. Wait, not Fox. And not CNN. Scrap that cable thing. Make it free pay-per-view movies. And did I mention free one-way air fare out of the U.S.? It’s a deal they can’t refuse.

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