Tag Archives: Hillary

Exclusive Interview With President Trump

BY STEVE BATES

The following is a transcript of the In Sight blog’s exclusive interview with President Trump, conducted during a two-minute presidential bathroom break aboard Air Force One. It has not been edited or censored in any way except to paraphrase 23 expletives inappropriate for adult readers.

Thank you for your time, Mr. President. How are you today?

Pass me the toilet paper.

Uh, the only paper I see is the New York Times.

Yes, that’s what I use.

Here you go. Let me congratulate you for your victory in the Missisippi Senate race. Your candidate won by a strong margin.

Yes, I can take full credit for that. I encouraged her to use that “public hanging” phrase. Really fired up the base.

I see. Can I ask you about the climate change report that your administration just issued?  It painted a pretty bleak picture.

There is no climate change report.

Well, I read it.

I don’t believe it. The climate can’t change, because there is no climate. It’s just something made up by radical Hollywood elites.

No climate? Then what causes weather, like rain and hurricanes?

That’s just fake news.

Good to know. What about your daughter’s use of a private email server to conduct government business. Isn’t that the same thing that Hillary Clinton did?

Not at all. Hillary revealed state secrets, like the nuclear missile codes and the location of the Confederate treasury. Ivanka was just sending out Christmas greetings. This whole fake witch hunt is part of the War on Christmas. Christ, it makes me sick. Hand me another section of the Times.

I’m interested in your plans to build a border wall. Where will you get the money?

It’s already under way. Prison inmates, children taken from migrant families, and aliens who have been sequestered at Area 51 all these years are building it now. Even little old ladies who live near the border are knitting razor wire fences. It’s inspiring.

Wow. What about the Mueller investigation? Are you concerned about what he might claim?

Not at all. I have seen the report, and I can say proudly that it concludes that there was no collusion. No collusion!

How did you get a copy, if you don’t mind me asking?

Why should I tell you?

Well, no one reads my blog, so your secret is safe with me.

My staff is finishing work on the report right now.

Your staff? I though Mueller was writing it.

The real Mueller has been undergoing extreme interrogation at Guantanamo for six months. We created a body double to take his place. (Flushes.) Your time is up. Get out of here.

One last question.

Don’t push it, pal. I can make one call and a bunch of Saudi friends of mine will make sure this column is you last.

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When I Rule the World

BY STEVE BATES

I plan to rule the world someday. I’m not sure exactly when or how this will happen. But happen it will.

I have been saving up ideas for what I will do when I rule the world. Here’s my rough draft, by category.

SOCIAL ISSUES

Instead of fighting over gun restrictions, we need to try a new approach: bullet control. Let’s forbid the sale and use of all bullets except those with marshmallow points. Or we’ll allow harder bullets that can move at no more than 3 miles per hour.

Let’s spend more on research to develop new energy sources. I understand that it might be possible someday to turn carbon pollution into methane fuel. Maybe we can also find a way to harness the energy of used tennis balls and laundry lint to power the 21st century.

TECHNOLOGY

Landlines and cellphones are bombarded with junk calls, despite laws restricting them. If we can’t block them, at least require each caller to pay you a dollar for the right to call right during dinner or when you’re trying to get junior to sleep.

If we allow Twitter to exist–and I’m not sure that we should–we should include the following message with each tweet: “Warning: The surgeon general has determined that Twitter can cause all kinds of bad things to happen. Stay far away. And don’t read any tweet from anyone inside the Washington Beltway.”

Cellphones will self-destruct when operated continuously for more than 12 hours.

SPORTS

Soccer is in most need of an upgrade. I would double the width and height of the goals. And I would require that goalkeepers be no larger than five-foot-six and play with one hand tied behind their back.

To make football less dangerous, I would force all players to wear at least two layers of bubble wrap before venturing out onto the field.

bubble

I’ve given up trying to make baseball games shorter. I would fine every player who spits more than one gallon during a nine-inning game. Two gallons for extra innings.

To make golf more interesting, I would make it a contact sport. You can swing any club in the bag at any opponent at any time. Fans would be required to yell every time a player tries to putt.

PERSONAL GRUDGES

I am particularly unhappy with drivers who mosey along at 15 miles per hour below the speed limit while blocking the left lane for mile after mile, only to dart across three lanes to make a right-lane exit at the last instant. Their 30-day sentences would consist of them driving all day behind a smelly trash truck moving at 5 miles per hour on a one-lane road.

All bars of soap would be hollow, so that you are never left with a sliver.

ENTERTAINMENT

Use of the term “shiplap” would be illegal on TV networks. It’s a made-up word used by people trying to prove how cool they are.

GOVERNMENT STUFF

Elected officials would be required to wear uniforms like race car drivers. Their patches would indicate the corporations that gave them more than $1 million. If they ran out of space for those patches on their jackets and pants, they would be allowed to put them on their undergarments.

Health care has gotten too expensive and complicated. Just let people go to doctors. Let the doctors provide the treatment and medicine the patients need. And charge the patients a reasonable amount. Is that so hard?

A new museum would be built on the National Mall dedicated to Hillary’s e-mails. Every e-mail she ever sent would appear on a rolling basis on massive screens. Tour guides and electronic kiosks would explain the damage that these e-mails have caused to national security and our country’s future.

Erasing Obama

BY STEVE BATES

Welcome to the Museum of Revised American History. Straight ahead is the Hall of the Presidents.

What’s that you ask? Why is there a giant empty space where the 44th president would be enshrined? An excellent question.

All traces of the eight years he served have been eradicated. You’re too young to have lived through that terrible, awful time. But I can tell you, it is amazing that our people and our country survived it.

We’re not supposed to talk about that time. Better to let the healing continue, our wonderful President for Life says.

obama

Believe it or not, before the President for Life, there was something called a free press, not the state-controlled media we have now. People were bombarded with fake news. They really didn’t know what to think. They even were led to believe that the President for Life was not very smart and he did some things that were not in the best interests of our great country. Boy, did he correct those false claims.

We can guess that the sorry mess that is our health care system can be traced to the terrible decisions made by whoever was the president back in those dark days. And the fact that several horrible wars have broken out across the globe in the past few years likely also can be linked to that worst-ever president.

No, I don’t recall his name. Those of us over the age of 21 have all had microchips implanted in our brains, with the wonderful result that all of our unpleasant memories of that miserable time have been erased. I do have the vague feeling that the man was an illegal immigrant, born in Africa or Hawaii or some other foreign country bent on our destruction.

How could one man do so much damage? Another excellent question. Historians believe that he did not act alone. There was a Deep State Conspiracy that our President for Life detected and wiped out, though the battle was long and bloody. There was one woman in particular who was particularly heinous. She sent several e-mails, I’m told. I shudder to think of how much our wonderful nation was corrupted by her disgusting actions.

But let’s not dwell on the past. Up ahead is a huge exhibition illustrating the accomplishments of our President for Life. The glowing monument at the center celebrates the historic peace agreement under which we relinquished our autonomy to the Russian Federation. Life is so much more serene now that the tension between our countries has been alleviated.

Next stop is the cafeteria. Today’s special is borscht. Of course, borscht is the special every day. Remember that if you want bread with your meal, you’ll need to get in that line. Looks like a two-hour wait today. Not nearly as bad as some days.

What’s that you say? You didn’t enjoy your visit to the Museum of Revised American History? Guard! I think we have a new recruit for the Labor Camp.

Fake News Lesson One: Facts

BY STEVE BATES

Welcome to the first lesson in my course on mastering fake news. Today we examine four prominent fake news stories and analyze their strengths and weaknesses. In all four cases, the merits of the fake story centered on the use of facts.

Let’s start with the most famous fake news story of 2016, the “Pizzagate” conspiracy:

Hillary, Top Democrats Linked to Child Sex Organization
(Washington; Oct. 30, 2016)–Internal Democratic Party emails released today by WikiLeaks demonstrate that top party figures knew of—and might have participated in—child trafficking and prostitution.
The emails allegedly authored by party official John Podesta identify several pizza restaurants in Washington where children were kept and abused. The emails hint at secret tunnels connecting some of the locations, apparently allowing the Democrats the move between them with impunity.
One source said that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton is among….

This story has been largely debunked. While it might be true that “pizza” is code for “child sex” in some circles, operating a massive child sex ring in secret right under the noses of a million Washington area residents would be difficult. Particularly for Democrats, who are historically inept at keeping secrets or managing large projects of any kind.

While it’s true that the Democratic Party supervised the construction of secret tunnels connecting its offices with several popular pizzerias in the city, this was done to prevent embarrassment at the pizza addiction afflicting many left-leaning politicians in town.

What went wrong here? By identifying the pizza parlors by name, the conspiracy theorists allowed local police to search the facilities and rule out the kind of sex trafficking that was alleged. Using fake names for the restaurants—or not identifying them—might have given this bogus story a longer life.

Let’s turn to a trickier fake news piece:

5-Year-Old Boy Gets Last Wish; Dies in Arms of Santa Claus
(Knoxville, Tenn.; Nov. 20, 2016)–A 5-year-old Tennessee boy with a terminal illness had just one last wish: He wanted to meet Santa Claus. Not long ago, he got that wish.
But the story has a bittersweet ending. The boy, whose name is being withheld at the request of his family, died in the arms of Santa.
The encounter began when a nurse at a local hospital called a professional Santa, Eric Schmitt-Matzen, who rushed to the hospital to be at the boy’s bedside in time to grant his wish.
Schmitt-Matzen said this week that although he could not locate the Hatchable toy that the boy requested, seeing the young man smile at him as the disease claimed his life was….

This one fooled a lot of us. Maybe we just wanted to believe it. Or we couldn’t accept the possibility that anyone would invent such a tale. Apparently, there was no such dying boy, according to local hospital officials.

The Knoxville News Sentinel reported the story, and then retracted it. Schmitt-Matzen stuck to his account. However, the Santa reportedly declined to identify the family or even the hospital where the encounter purportedly happened, stating the he wanted to protect the family.

This fake news item could have been salvaged if the author had simply refused to identify the fake Santa or the town where this occurred. Or if he or she had written that the real Santa Claus had visited the dying boy. Try to disprove that one!

Now, a fascinating fake news item from a couple of years ago:

Texas, 3 Other States to Permit Executions by Lightsaber
(Austin, Tex.; June 17, 2014)–Texas has joined three other states that will execute convicts using lightsabers instead of a cocktail of drugs. The Legislature voted 898 to 2 today to approve the new execution method. The two dissenting legislators wanted more information about the cost of the lightsabers.
In recent years, attempted executions in Texas, Louisiana, Indiana and Nevada have been delayed by a shortage of the drugs typically used to kill those sentenced to death. Some states tried home remedies, often to no avail.
Gov. Rick Perry hailed the shift to lightsabers, terming them “an elegant weapon”….

This one was relatively easy to debunk. The crystals that power real lightsabers can be found only on one distant planet. And not every local corrections officer can operate a lightsaber properly. It takes training under a Jedi Master.

Finally, this classic fake news article:

Man Walks on the Moon
(Houston, Tex.; July 21, 1969)–Two men from Earth set foot on the Moon for the first time last night.
As he exited the Apollo spacecraft and stepped into the gray lunar dust, astronaut Neil Armstrong declared: “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” He was soon joined by fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin.
The moon landing was hailed as an historic event….

People who claimed at the time that the moon landing was staged in Hollywood were laughed down. But we now know that they were right. Sending a spaceship to the Moon? If it were possible, Elon Musk would have done it.

Campaign Survival Guide

BY STEVE BATES

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have been bombarded with news and propaganda about the Nov. 8 elections. It’s only going to get worse during the final days. Here are tips to survive the remainder of the 2016 campaign:

DON’T WATCH TELEVISION

It’s not just the headlines on the evening news. The commercials are offensive as well. For example: Trump tried to have sex with all 37 Radio City Rockettes. Hillary emailed secret Coca-Coca formula to Pepsi executives. Shadowy organizations with indecipherable initials like the DCCCCC spend millions to bombard us with dubious claims about the other side—especially at this point in the campaign, when it’s too late to deny or counter the charges. If you must watch the tube, record your shows and fast-forward through the commercials.

trillary

DON’T READ NEWSPAPERS OR THE INTERNET

These days, the papers are filled with shock-value headlines. Perhaps that’s because, if they weren’t filled with such headlines, no one would read them anymore. Recognize that the papers are likely to give you heartburn while you eat your Wheaties. Trump plans to deport all residents of Blue States. Hillary invites alien civilization to settle in North Carolina. Similarly, the internet is filled with wild, unsubstantiated claims—with the exception of this blog, of course. If you venture onto the web, expect to encounter some really absurd fantasies. Trump fired contestants on The Apprentice. President Obama fathered two black children.

DON’T LOOK AT YOUR MAIL

Campaign mail is particularly nasty, but it is easily avoided. Treat it like bills. Stick it in a drawer for a few weeks. Trump: I’d like to punch the Pope. Hillary: I thought Benghazi was a pain-relief cream.

DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE

Campaign staffers are trying to get you to go door to door to get out the vote, or simply to persuade you to vote for their candidate. And pollsters are trying to figure out who you are voting for. Some people who identify themselves on the phone as pollsters are actually campaign staffers pretending to be pollsters. Others are insurance salespersons pretending to be pollsters. Let the phone ring and go to voicemail until Nov. 9. Would you still vote for Trump if you knew that he fantasized about having sex with Mother Teresa? Would you still vote for Hillary if you knew that she gave our secret nuclear codes to North Korea?

VOTE, BUT BE CAREFUL

Please do vote. But as you approach your polling location, avoid being intimidated by people trying to talk to you or hand you items such as fliers, sample ballots, money, guns and drugs. If the weather permits, wear a heavy coat and gloves, and keep your hat pulled down over your face. Talk to no one. Look straight ahead. If it’s too warm for a coat, cover yourself in bubble wrap and ignore the handouts and shouting. Trump plans to install a casino in the West Wing. Hillary is considering Satan for Secretary of State.

BRACE YOURSELF ON ELECTION NIGHT

It could be a long night. It could be a disappointing night. Even if your candidate wins, it probably won’t be a particularly cheerful night.

But at least it will be over.