Tag Archives: immigration

The Genius of Donald Trump

BY STEVE BATES

This is very hard for me to say, so I’ll come right out with it: Donald Trump is the smartest president I have seen in my lifetime. Considering that I am a hard-core liberal and voted against Trump, this constitutes a major turnaround for me–and one that is very hard to admit.

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My epiphany is based solidly on the evidence. Consider these policies and actions of the 45th president:

THE WALL: Not only does Trump plan to build a border wall that could cost upward of $20 billion, he plans to pay for in part by weakening other parts of our national security, such as the TSA and Coast Guard. What this means is that instead of relatively poor Mexicans trying to cross the border into our country to make a better life for their children, the people coming into the U.S. illegally will be arriving by planes and ships. That will bring a richer, higher-class brand of terrorists who will contribute to the national economy before committing their heinous crimes.

FOREIGN POLICY: North Korea is just itching for a fight, firing missiles in the general direction of Japan and promising to destroy American military bases in that country. It has even claimed that, eventually, it will start blowing up our West Coast. What has the president done in response? He kept eating his overcooked steak at his country club in Florida, and he has said nothing publicly. The man tweets about everything he sees on Fox News, but direct military threats from a dangerous country merit no comment? Clearly, he is being sly. One morning soon an unsuspecting North Korea will be reduced to radioactive slag.

GUNS: A recent presidential order ensures that mentally ill Americans can get guns. And Trump has failed to take any action that would limit access to firearms by people on the terror watch list. Clearly, the president is setting them up. He wants these folks to show their hands—and weapons—so that he can round them up and start the waterboarding.

HEALTH CARE: Trump and his fellow Republicans in the House and Senate have crafted legislation that is quite amazing. It manages to help the rich at the expense of the poor while angering conservatives who feel that it gives the poor too much. At the same time, it removes what few incentives remained for major private insurance companies to participate. Only the smartest minds in government could have devised such a brain-dead proposal.

RUSSIA: Some very suspicious people have suggested that Trump has a man-crush on Putin and hesitates to criticize Russia. They have it wrong. Trump doesn’t love Russia; he loves the old Soviet Union. After he conquers Canada, Mexico and a few Central American countries whose names he can’t even pronounce, he’ll have an empire that will outshine the best that the Soviets ever managed.

WIRETAPPING: Claiming that Barack Obama ordered secret and illegal surveillance of Trump in his modest New York City home was the most brilliant move of all by the new president. Clearly, Trump wants everyone to think that he is mentally unsound. So, when the IRS finds that he cheated on his taxes, or when Wikileaks proves that he is cheated on his taxes or is indebted to Russia, he can cop an insanity plea and get out of any legal trouble he might encounter.

Campaign Survival Guide

BY STEVE BATES

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have been bombarded with news and propaganda about the Nov. 8 elections. It’s only going to get worse during the final days. Here are tips to survive the remainder of the 2016 campaign:

DON’T WATCH TELEVISION

It’s not just the headlines on the evening news. The commercials are offensive as well. For example: Trump tried to have sex with all 37 Radio City Rockettes. Hillary emailed secret Coca-Coca formula to Pepsi executives. Shadowy organizations with indecipherable initials like the DCCCCC spend millions to bombard us with dubious claims about the other side—especially at this point in the campaign, when it’s too late to deny or counter the charges. If you must watch the tube, record your shows and fast-forward through the commercials.

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DON’T READ NEWSPAPERS OR THE INTERNET

These days, the papers are filled with shock-value headlines. Perhaps that’s because, if they weren’t filled with such headlines, no one would read them anymore. Recognize that the papers are likely to give you heartburn while you eat your Wheaties. Trump plans to deport all residents of Blue States. Hillary invites alien civilization to settle in North Carolina. Similarly, the internet is filled with wild, unsubstantiated claims—with the exception of this blog, of course. If you venture onto the web, expect to encounter some really absurd fantasies. Trump fired contestants on The Apprentice. President Obama fathered two black children.

DON’T LOOK AT YOUR MAIL

Campaign mail is particularly nasty, but it is easily avoided. Treat it like bills. Stick it in a drawer for a few weeks. Trump: I’d like to punch the Pope. Hillary: I thought Benghazi was a pain-relief cream.

DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE

Campaign staffers are trying to get you to go door to door to get out the vote, or simply to persuade you to vote for their candidate. And pollsters are trying to figure out who you are voting for. Some people who identify themselves on the phone as pollsters are actually campaign staffers pretending to be pollsters. Others are insurance salespersons pretending to be pollsters. Let the phone ring and go to voicemail until Nov. 9. Would you still vote for Trump if you knew that he fantasized about having sex with Mother Teresa? Would you still vote for Hillary if you knew that she gave our secret nuclear codes to North Korea?

VOTE, BUT BE CAREFUL

Please do vote. But as you approach your polling location, avoid being intimidated by people trying to talk to you or hand you items such as fliers, sample ballots, money, guns and drugs. If the weather permits, wear a heavy coat and gloves, and keep your hat pulled down over your face. Talk to no one. Look straight ahead. If it’s too warm for a coat, cover yourself in bubble wrap and ignore the handouts and shouting. Trump plans to install a casino in the West Wing. Hillary is considering Satan for Secretary of State.

BRACE YOURSELF ON ELECTION NIGHT

It could be a long night. It could be a disappointing night. Even if your candidate wins, it probably won’t be a particularly cheerful night.

But at least it will be over.