BY STEVE BATES
The following is a transcript of the In Sight blog’s exclusive interview with President Trump, conducted during a two-minute presidential bathroom break aboard Air Force One. It has not been edited or censored in any way except to paraphrase 23 expletives inappropriate for adult readers.
Thank you for your time, Mr. President. How are you today?
Pass me the toilet paper.
Uh, the only paper I see is the New York Times.
Yes, that’s what I use.
Here you go. Let me congratulate you for your victory in the Missisippi Senate race. Your candidate won by a strong margin.
Yes, I can take full credit for that. I encouraged her to use that “public hanging” phrase. Really fired up the base.
I see. Can I ask you about the climate change report that your administration just issued? It painted a pretty bleak picture.
There is no climate change report.
Well, I read it.
I don’t believe it. The climate can’t change, because there is no climate. It’s just something made up by radical Hollywood elites.
No climate? Then what causes weather, like rain and hurricanes?
That’s just fake news.
Good to know. What about your daughter’s use of a private email server to conduct government business. Isn’t that the same thing that Hillary Clinton did?
Not at all. Hillary revealed state secrets, like the nuclear missile codes and the location of the Confederate treasury. Ivanka was just sending out Christmas greetings. This whole fake witch hunt is part of the War on Christmas. Christ, it makes me sick. Hand me another section of the Times.
I’m interested in your plans to build a border wall. Where will you get the money?
It’s already under way. Prison inmates, children taken from migrant families, and aliens who have been sequestered at Area 51 all these years are building it now. Even little old ladies who live near the border are knitting razor wire fences. It’s inspiring.
Wow. What about the Mueller investigation? Are you concerned about what he might claim?
Not at all. I have seen the report, and I can say proudly that it concludes that there was no collusion. No collusion!
How did you get a copy, if you don’t mind me asking?
Why should I tell you?
Well, no one reads my blog, so your secret is safe with me.
My staff is finishing work on the report right now.
Your staff? I though Mueller was writing it.
The real Mueller has been undergoing extreme interrogation at Guantanamo for six months. We created a body double to take his place. (Flushes.) Your time is up. Get out of here.
One last question.
Don’t push it, pal. I can make one call and a bunch of Saudi friends of mine will make sure this column is you last.