Tag Archives: Kim Jong Un

Trump: Illegal Immigrants Will Build Border Wall

BY STEVE BATES

President Trump announced today that undocumented immigrants—including children separated from their parents—will build the border wall with Mexico.

Labor camps are already being assembled along the lengthy border. They will house children separately from adults. An administration spokesman said that the adult camps will be at least five miles from those used to house children, so that even if immigrants manage to climb on top of something and use binoculars, they will just be out of sight of their families.

immigration_protest

“Knowing that loved-ones are nearby should be a mighty motivating force for immigrants in constructing this much-needed border wall,” said the spokesman. “They will keep building and building with the vain hope of getting close to their family members.”

Trump tweeted that he got the idea from North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il. “Kim has mastered the art of taking idle hands and putting them to work for good purposes,” said Trump. “We’re going to build this wall in no time.”

The Trump administration spokesman said the immigrants building the wall will be paid the equivalent of one dollar an hour in a new cryptocurrency, TrumpCoin. Those who demonstrate advanced skills or who work more than 14 hours a day could earn college credit at Trump University.

“We have about 90 million illegal immigrants in this country,” the president tweeted. “We’re going to put them to work!” Children as young as four will be expected to participate.

He added that those undocumented residents who are not currently in detention have 10 days to surrender to ICE agents in order to get the best bunks in the labor camps. Those who fail to do so will face to prospect of sleeping two a cot.

wall

“When we look back on this 20 years from now,” said Trump, “we’ll be proud of this great project. We will probably hold a parade for any immigrants who survive the process.”

Americans who immigrated legally to the United States might also be asked to help the effort, the administration spokesman stated. He said that exceptions will be made for people who are making substantial contributions to the public good, such as First Lady Melania Trump.

“Brown, black, yellow–we won’t discriminate,” said the spokesman. “Everyone who isn’t white will have the same opportunity to break their backs and spill their blood for the betterment of this great country.”

Advertisements

Madman Across the Water

BY STEVE BATES

In case you missed it, North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un, has agreed to meet with U.S. President Donald Trump. Kim, the man Trump once mocked as “Rocket Man,” reportedly has agreed to stop testing nukes before the meeting occurs.

The “In Sight” blog has learned that the North Korean dictator agreed to the meeting on one condition: His comments will be limited to lyrics from rock musician Elton John, who wrote the song “Rocket Man.” Because Kim is known for his odd behavior, U.S. officials decided to go along with him in the interest of world peace.

rocket

Here is a possible preview of the big meeting:

Trump: Nice to meet you. Before we get into all this nuke stuff, I was wondering if you could help me with a little problem I’m having. A lady problem. Any chance you could make someone disappear?

Kim: Like a candle in the wind.

Trump: Great. Now, about those missiles and warheads. I’d like to get to a place where no one has to live in fear that atomic bombs will end their lives any minute.

Kim: Live for each second without hesitation.

Trump: Hmm. I figured this would be difficult. Let’s try it a different way. I know that your people are starving. What if we offered food shipments or some, you know, financial incentives? That would help you live like a king, and it would reduce a lot of suffering.

Kim: I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will.

Trump: Come on, Mr. Kim. We need to accomplish something here. I can’t go back to Washington empty handed.

Kim: I guess that’s why they call it the blues.

Trump: Say, what if you come to the United States and saw what a great country we have. The greatest. You would enjoy meeting our people.

Kim: I’m not a present for your friends to open.

Trump: Listen, you tiny dancer, the U.S. military is very strong. If we wanted to force you to cooperate, it wouldn’t go well for you. We could obliterate all your cities and military bases. If you somehow survived the attack, you’d be thrown out of power.

Kim: I’m still standing.

Trump: Okay, I tried being nice. Now we do it my way. We’re going to impose all sorts of nasty sanctions on you if you don’t give up your nuclear ambitions. After a few weeks, you’ll be begging us to call it off.

Kim: I think it’s going to be a long, long time.

Trump: I’ve had it with you, Kim. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t go home?

Kim: Get back, honky cat.