BY STEVE BATES
I have just attended a séance in which the medium was successful in contacting the late John McCain. The following is a complete transcript of his message for President Trump:
I’d like to say how very sorry I am that I have let you down, Donald, both in life and in death. The situations in which I have mistreated you are too many to enumerate. But let me try to atone for some of my greatest sins.
It was particularly unbecoming of the warrior that I am to allow myself to be captured during the Vietnam War. Much of the time that I was in captivity, I was hoping that you were managing to find some comfort. I know that you are a perfectionist and suffered every time that you could not find just the right keg party to attend or were forced to bed down with a brunette or redhead when you couldn’t seduce the blonde of your choice.
I thought that you would have a soft spot in your heart—assuming you do have a heart—after my father arranged for you to receive a war deferment based on that laughable claim of bone spurs. (They have not hampered your ability to play golf all these years, I see.) And no, I don’t recall my father talking about you thanking him for his help.
I admit that I let you down during my years in the Senate. I had never promised that I would vote for repeal of Obamacare, you might recall. Your worthless advisers had hoped that I would, and I must say that you showed magnificent restraint and flexibility after the vote by changing your mind and deciding not to have them executed.
It was cruel of me to provide the government with the dossier indicating your close relationship with various low-life individuals in Russia. And by low-life I mean your buddy Putin, not to mention his high-paid thugs. A little suggestion: Next time you need to relieve yourself in a hotel room, check for hidden cameras.
It was all my fault that Robert Mueller instigated that witch hunt against you, your family, and several dozen of your closest associates. I know now that I should have ignored rock-solid evidence of your money laundering, rigging the 2016 presidential election and using the presidency as your private piggy bank.
Yes, I should have contacted you to thank you after you reluctantly agreed to have your frightened underlings arrange for my funeral. Your two seconds of work devoted to that decision were surely among the most challenging and strenuous seconds you have put in since becoming the Leader of the Free World. In my defense, I was kind of busy Up Here getting oriented to my new surroundings. But I let you down, and I am sorry.
Donald, I hope that you life a long and full life. Because I have been told by reliable sources Up Here that, when you finally die, there won’t be any room for you.