Tag Archives: obama

Erasing Obama

BY STEVE BATES

Welcome to the Museum of Revised American History. Straight ahead is the Hall of the Presidents.

What’s that you ask? Why is there a giant empty space where the 44th president would be enshrined? An excellent question.

All traces of the eight years he served have been eradicated. You’re too young to have lived through that terrible, awful time. But I can tell you, it is amazing that our people and our country survived it.

We’re not supposed to talk about that time. Better to let the healing continue, our wonderful President for Life says.

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Believe it or not, before the President for Life, there was something called a free press, not the state-controlled media we have now. People were bombarded with fake news. They really didn’t know what to think. They even were led to believe that the President for Life was not very smart and he did some things that were not in the best interests of our great country. Boy, did he correct those false claims.

We can guess that the sorry mess that is our health care system can be traced to the terrible decisions made by whoever was the president back in those dark days. And the fact that several horrible wars have broken out across the globe in the past few years likely also can be linked to that worst-ever president.

No, I don’t recall his name. Those of us over the age of 21 have all had microchips implanted in our brains, with the wonderful result that all of our unpleasant memories of that miserable time have been erased. I do have the vague feeling that the man was an illegal immigrant, born in Africa or Hawaii or some other foreign country bent on our destruction.

How could one man do so much damage? Another excellent question. Historians believe that he did not act alone. There was a Deep State Conspiracy that our President for Life detected and wiped out, though the battle was long and bloody. There was one woman in particular who was particularly heinous. She sent several e-mails, I’m told. I shudder to think of how much our wonderful nation was corrupted by her disgusting actions.

But let’s not dwell on the past. Up ahead is a huge exhibition illustrating the accomplishments of our President for Life. The glowing monument at the center celebrates the historic peace agreement under which we relinquished our autonomy to the Russian Federation. Life is so much more serene now that the tension between our countries has been alleviated.

Next stop is the cafeteria. Today’s special is borscht. Of course, borscht is the special every day. Remember that if you want bread with your meal, you’ll need to get in that line. Looks like a two-hour wait today. Not nearly as bad as some days.

What’s that you say? You didn’t enjoy your visit to the Museum of Revised American History? Guard! I think we have a new recruit for the Labor Camp.

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Welcome to the Hysteria Channel

BY STEVE BATES

It’s big, it’s bold, it’s chock full of Fake News.

Today I am unveiling a new cable network, The Hysteria Channel, which will titillate viewers with loosely researched episodes depicting conspiracies and secret societies throughout man’s time on Earth.

hysteria

Sure, some TV networks purport to recount history. Others offer us Fake News programs one after the other. But this new channel goes far beyond, documenting the worst in human endeavor over the ages. Here are some of the episodes planned for Season 1:

INTERNMENT CAMPS: History books tell us that the U.S. government forced people of Japanese ancestry into crowded camps to prevent them from acting against this country during World War II. Our investigation proves that this is far from the truth. Instead, our forward-thinking leaders went out and found people of Asian descent who showed promise in math and the sciences. Instead of prison camps, they were installed in comfortable settings where they started work on modern computers and the Internet.

WATER FLUORIDATION: Yes, most municipalities added chemicals to our drinking water starting in the 1940s. But no, the chemicals were not designed to strengthen our teeth and deter cavities. The subtances were designed to control our minds, to make us susceptible to propaganda. The greatest proof came in 1969 when a majority of the population actually believed that humans set foot on the moon.

THE BERLIN WALL: The effects of the chemicals began to wear off by 1989, but not before a much-publicized November evening in which average people were photographed knocking down sections of The Berlin Wall. The so-called wall, which was designed to keep people from escaping East Germany for West Germany, was never built because of budget cuts. Instead, the East Germans erected a fake barrier out of painted paper and cardboard left over from World War II munitions shipments. The photos of people supposedly busting up the wall were shot at crumbling sections of the Great Wall of China.

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OBAMA: Much was made about the proposition that Barack Obama, our first African American president, was born in Kenya. Our investigation has proven his Kenyan birth certificate to be a fake. In reality, Obama was born on Ganymede, a moon of Jupiter, to a space alien couple visiting the solar system to determine how to destroy our civilization. How else can you explain the abomination of Obamacare?

ELECTION MEDDLING: Some members of the so-called intelligence community have claimed that Russian hackers—acting on their own or possibly with the direction of top Russian leaders—tried to influence the 2016 elections. Newly released texts prove that two FBI agents invented the whole thing to try to divert attention from their illicit affair. These are the same two agents who set up a secret society to try to fire President Donald Trump. Lock them up!

Have any ideas of your own for episodes that will depict conspiracies and cover-ups? Send your ideas to this blog. And don’t bother trying to disguise your identity. We know who you are and where you live!

Obama: ‘I’m Coming for Your Guns’

BY STEVE BATES

President Obama has scheduled an unprecedented roundup of Americans’ privately owned firearms for Wednesday, Nov. 9, 2016. Long rumored by the NRA, supporters of Donald Trump and others concerned with the weakening of Second Amendment rights, the forced retrieval of all forms of guns has been secretly scheduled very close to the end of the president’s final year in office.

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The In Sight blog received confidential information from WikiLeaks about the controversial roundup. The information could not be verified, and details remained sketchy. Here is what is known:

Federal agents will go door to door beginning at 12:01 a.m. on Nov. 9–and continuing for at least 24 hours–until they have confiscated every gun, pistol, revolver, rifle, shotgun, bazooka, grenade, grenade launcher, rocket launcher, automatic weapon, semi-automatic weapon, quasi-automatic weapon, machine gun, submachine gun, anti-aircraft missile, ICBM, dirty bomb, clean bomb, nuclear bomb, carbine and musket.

The visits—officials declined to call them “raids” in planning documents—will occur at homes, businesses, schools, hospitals, airports, train stations, bus stations and anywhere else that Americans congregate. The heaviest concentration of agents will be sent to Starbucks outlets.

The WikiLeaks documents include a partial transcript of a recent planning meeting held in a bunker underneath the White House. It reads:

POTUS: Will there be enough federal agents to go to every door in America? That’s a lot of addresses.

UNIDENTIFIED OFFICIAL: We will deputize many temporary federal agents for the duration of the roundup. Our first round of deputies will be federal, state and local government employees, plus school teachers, librarians and tax accountants.

POTUS: And if we need even more?

UNIDENTIFIED OFFICIAL: Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts.

POTUS: Sounds good. Where will we put all the guns?

UNIDENTIFIED OFFICIAL: We plan to fill school buses with them and haul them to an Air Force base in [redacted], where we will melt them down. The metal will be used for ornamental sculptures demonstrating the horror of gun violence.

POTUS: Clever. But why Nov. 9? Isn’t that the day right after the election?

UNIDENTIFIED OFFICIAL: We thought that everyone would be so exhausted after watching the returns that they would hardly notice.

POTUS: Not bad. Speaking of the election, has anyone talked to Hillary’s campaign people about this plan?

UNIDENTIFIED OFFICIAL: We briefed them, of course. She was not happy.

POTUS: Really? I thought she was in favor of gun control.

UNIDENTIFIED OFFICIAL: She is. She just wanted to do the roundup herself, after she is inaugurated.

POTUS: Too bad. [Chuckling heard throughout room.] Did you brief Trump’s people?

[Roaring laughter heard throughout the room.]

POTUS: I didn’t think so. Seriously, though. What do we do if anyone resists when we show up at their door? We don’t want any violence.

UNIDENTIFIED OFFICIAL: We will be filming a video message that we can play for them on any device. In it, you will assure them that we need to end the scourge of gun violence. There will be a second version of the video, for real tough cases. In that one, you inform them that it will be your pleasure to pry their guns from their dead, cold…. [end of transcript].

Remember, you read it first on the In Sight blog.

If you are a gun owner, at least you know. There’s still time to move to Honduras or to build that underground survivalist shelter. Just remember, once you lock the hatch, you won’t see the inside of a Starbucks for a long time.