Tag Archives: politics

The Mueller Report Revealed

BY STEVE BATES

The “In Sight” blog has received an advance copy of the long-awaited Mueller Report, both the Redacted and Unredacted versions. Crucial excerpts are featured below. Each Redacted passage is followed by the original version as written by the Mueller team.

This blog is indebted to the courageous person who leaked this material for this worldwide scoop. This blog will never reveal its source. This blog is particularly insistent that the report was not leaked by former Robert Mueller assistant Fred, with whom we had several drinks last night. Don’t even think about Fred as being the source. Even though we picked up the tab and Fred needed help just to make it to the men’s room….

President Trump made no attempt to XXXXREDACTEDXXXX obstruct justice. XXXXREDACTEDXXXX. Trump is not XXXXREDACTEDXXXX a crook.

President Trump made no attempt to hide how fiercely he intended to obstruct justice. He acted blatantly and shamelessly by trying repeatedly to stop or limit this investigation. He admitted to Lester Holt on national television that his reason for firing then-FBI Director James Comey was that he was unhappy with the probe. When officials declined to follow his orders to try to cut short the investigation, he threatened or publicly humiliated them. Trump is not to be believed regarding this obstruction. He is clearly a crook.

The Russian Federation attempted to ensure XXXXREDACTEDXXXX a fair U.S. election in 2016. XXXXREDACTEDXXXX. There is no XXXXREDACTEDXXXX collusion or  conspiracy.

The Russian Federation attempted to ensure that Donald Trump won the presidential election. Russia utilized social media as well as other tactics to shift opinion to help Trump and hurt Hillary Clinton. Russia was determined to undermine our belief that it was possible to have a fair U.S. election in 2016. Members of the Trump family, the Trump campaign and Trump organization met with repeatedly with nefarious Russian agents to ensure that Trump would win. There was clear coordination of the release of stolen Democratic emails to undermine the Clinton campaign. There is no evidence that Donald Trump and his minions were the least bit ashamed of collusion or conspiracy.

Money laundering by the Trump organization XXXXREDACTEDXXXX could not have happened.

Money laundering by the Trump organization is a longstanding practice. After banks around the globe realized that the Trump brand was synonymous with bankruptcy, the Trumps turned to shady and downright illegal sources of financing. Much of this came from Russian oligarchs with close ties to President Putin. Without this source of cash, the continued existence of the Trump organization could not have happened.

Some have claimed that hush money payments were made to alleged Donald Trump mistresses right before the 2016 election, which if true would be clear and intentional violations of federal campaign finance law. Trump could not have XXXXREDACTEDXXXX paid off these women to avoid scandal and to prevent his wife from hearing about these trysts.

Some have claimed that hush money payments were made to alleged Donald Trump mistresses right before the 2016 election, which if true would be clear and intentional violations of federal campaign finance law. Trump could not have been more transparent; he paid off these women to avoid scandal and to prevent his wife from hearing about these trysts.

Donald Trump has XXXXREDACTEDXXXX not broken any laws. Find XXXXREDACTEDXXXX Robert Mueller. XXXXREDACTEDXXXX. Lock him up.

Donald Trump has thumbed his nose at honest, hard-working Americans by his insistence that he has not broken any laws. Find anyone with an IQ over 70 who thinks Robert Mueller is on a witch hunt and had a grudge against the president. The evidence is overwhelming: Trump broke the law. Lock him up.

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Let’s Build That Wall

BY STEVE BATES

As a raging far-left Democrat/Socialist/Wild-and-Crazy sort of liberal, I have been staunchly opposed to President Trump’s border wall. But I have come around to the belief that if we can find a way to build it cheaply, the pointless political standoff will end and the government can get back to the business of ignoring the needs of the populace.

So here are my suggestions for ways we can get the wall done without billions of dollars in costs for concrete and/or steel:

A MOAT: We can simply rent a few backhoes, dig a canal, and wait for summer rains to fill it. Volunteers from border states will add alligators, piranhas, sharks, sick immigrant kids and other scary things that will await anyone stupid enough to try to cross it.

COAL: Better yet, make a wall out of Clean Coal, if such a thing really exists. This will give that moribund mining economy a boost. And once the Democrats regain full control of the government, we can burn the wall in one hell of a party. Ribs, anyone?

SOYBEANS: Thousands of farmers are stuck with tons of these beans because of the trade embargoes. Dump them along the border, and people trying to cross illegally will slip and slide so badly they will wish they stayed in the drug cartel back home.

SANDBAGS: These are cheap to make and stack, and they will come in handy when global warming turns Mexico into an ocean.

BARBED WIRE: It will only take a few dozen murdering rapist immigrants getting tangled in this and bleeding to death on national television for the caravans to head elsewhere, such as Cancun.

A HOLOGRAM: Put the high-tech people to work on a device that will project the image of a wall, complete with sharp spikes and burly Game of Thrones types prepared to toss spears or dump boiling oil on would-be illegal immigrants.

A SOUND BARRIER: Install loudspeakers along the border and blast those boys with a constant barrage of ear-splitting music, such as AC/DC. If you  want to get nasty, broadcast the theme to “Green Acres” over and over and over.

LAUNDRY LINT: For years, the greatest scientific minds have been struggling to find a use for laundry lint. The National Laundry Lint Reserve has reached several billion metric tons. Let’s put it to work.

STOCK CERTIFICATES: By Spring, the stock market will have crashed. Take all those paper stock certificates and stack them along the border. They have to be good for something.

THE WORLD’S LONGEST CASINO: This would require an investor with a track record of business success in this industry, who has never failed and is the best, really the best, at everything. I can think of one such business man. Someone who might be out of a job in the near future. Bigly.

Erasing Obama

BY STEVE BATES

Welcome to the Museum of Revised American History. Straight ahead is the Hall of the Presidents.

What’s that you ask? Why is there a giant empty space where the 44th president would be enshrined? An excellent question.

All traces of the eight years he served have been eradicated. You’re too young to have lived through that terrible, awful time. But I can tell you, it is amazing that our people and our country survived it.

We’re not supposed to talk about that time. Better to let the healing continue, our wonderful President for Life says.

obama

Believe it or not, before the President for Life, there was something called a free press, not the state-controlled media we have now. People were bombarded with fake news. They really didn’t know what to think. They even were led to believe that the President for Life was not very smart and he did some things that were not in the best interests of our great country. Boy, did he correct those false claims.

We can guess that the sorry mess that is our health care system can be traced to the terrible decisions made by whoever was the president back in those dark days. And the fact that several horrible wars have broken out across the globe in the past few years likely also can be linked to that worst-ever president.

No, I don’t recall his name. Those of us over the age of 21 have all had microchips implanted in our brains, with the wonderful result that all of our unpleasant memories of that miserable time have been erased. I do have the vague feeling that the man was an illegal immigrant, born in Africa or Hawaii or some other foreign country bent on our destruction.

How could one man do so much damage? Another excellent question. Historians believe that he did not act alone. There was a Deep State Conspiracy that our President for Life detected and wiped out, though the battle was long and bloody. There was one woman in particular who was particularly heinous. She sent several e-mails, I’m told. I shudder to think of how much our wonderful nation was corrupted by her disgusting actions.

But let’s not dwell on the past. Up ahead is a huge exhibition illustrating the accomplishments of our President for Life. The glowing monument at the center celebrates the historic peace agreement under which we relinquished our autonomy to the Russian Federation. Life is so much more serene now that the tension between our countries has been alleviated.

Next stop is the cafeteria. Today’s special is borscht. Of course, borscht is the special every day. Remember that if you want bread with your meal, you’ll need to get in that line. Looks like a two-hour wait today. Not nearly as bad as some days.

What’s that you say? You didn’t enjoy your visit to the Museum of Revised American History? Guard! I think we have a new recruit for the Labor Camp.

Sex and Guns

BY STEVE BATES

This is a blog about men behaving badly. Some do it through sexual harassment and sexual assault. Some do it with firearms. While the latter is more serious, both cause lasting damage.

Is there a connection? Perhaps in a Freudian sense. Perhaps in another way: It’s all about power.

men

Men who coerce teenagers and adults into unwanted sexual behavior might be looking for a glandular thrill. But I believe that many such perpetrators have another motive: to revel in their power over those who are more vulnerable than them.

It’s a psychological compulsion. “I can do this to you and you can’t do anything about it” is implied, if not stated, frequently in these situations. For the perpetrator, that might be the biggest thrill.

One of the things that is so disheartening about this behavior is that it often is displayed by people who have power already. They seem to be white, employed, even affluent. They have jobs that put them in control of others: government officials, Hollywood personalities.

I have never understood the need to control another human being. I can’t recall a time when I crossed a line in a sexual context. I didn’t even manage to get my first date until I was in college. There have been times when I wished that I had more influence in certain social settings. But my thinking has always been: If you have to beg for something or bully your way to get something, it’s not worth having. Maybe if I looked like George Clooney things would have been different. I doubt it.

I have never understood the attraction of owning a gun, either. I have fired guns. In the Cub Scouts I was required to display a degree of marksmanship to earn a badge. So my den took a trip out into the woods. One by one we took turns gazing down the barrel of a .22-caliber rifle and murdering innocent tin cans.

As I recall, I wasn’t a bad shot in those days, when my vision was pretty good. I fired off a couple of rounds at a target at a carnival as well. But that was it.

Yes, I understand the Second Amendment right to own and use guns. And no, I don’t want to repeal the amendment or confiscate weapons. (Whatever happened to that rumored gun roundup that the Obama Administration was planning, alt-right people?)

Still, I don’t believe that those who wrote and enacted the Bill of Rights would have intended it to allow sick and deranged people to obtain weapons of mass destruction such as military assault rifles. The Founding Fathers would be angry at us if they could see the misery we have allowed to occur on a daily basis. They would call for an immediate uprising against the NRA and a re-wording or re-interpretation of the Second Amendment.

Americans, you are welcome to your guns. Please don’t use them against innocent people. What can drive someone to shoot up a school or a church or a concert? What sickness, what hatred, what lack of appreciation of the value for every human life could possibly drive someone to point that weapon at another person other than in self-defense?

Whatever pleasure a power-seduced person might get from sexual abuse or from shooting someone, it won’t last. These people need to find another way to exercise their power. If they can’t, we are in trouble.

End the Health Care Impasse

BY STEVE BATES

Americans are fed up with the failure of Congress to agree on a plan to eviscerate Obamacare. Fed up, I say! So let’s compare alternative solutions for ending the impasse and get on with it.

Please let me know which one of these options that you think is best. Then we’ll call Congress—call Congress, I say!—and tell them which bill one we, the American people, demand that they pass.

care

TRIAL BY COMBAT: Let each political party choose its champion, put them in an arena, and let them fight it out to the death or until one concedes. Let’s assume that the chosen combatants are Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi. I’m not sure which one is meaner, but it’s high time we found out.

THE STATE FAIR: Remember when you petted cute goats and ogled your neighbor’s ribbon-winning apple pies? Me neither. But some people go to state fairs. We could rent a booth and display all the competing health care bills for the judges to poke and sniff and pass their judgment.

BATTLE OF THE ROBOTS: Kind of like trial by combat, but this time we could use robots. There would be 38 of them—one for each version of the Republican health care plan that has been put forth so far. The robot with the most effective health plan would surely survive onslaughts from the others and come out victorious.

GAME SHOW: I know that reality television and the leadership of our country seem like they do not mix, but why not have a “Price Is Right,” “Jeopardy,” or even–dare I say it–an “Apprentice” episode devoted to picking the best health care bill. No Congressional Budget Office personnel would be eligible. (“I’ll take Trashing Medicaid for 400 Billion, Alex.”)

PIN THE TAIL ON THE… Donkey, or Elephant. Whichever you prefer. Draw lines all over the chosen animal and fill in each resulting section with a different health plan. Then blindfold your favorite senator and have him or her take a stab at it. Literally. And let’s leave the blindfold on for the rest of his or her term.

FOREIGN INTERVENTION: I hear that the Israelis and Palestinians are willing to sit down and negotiate a peace deal among warring members of Congress. It’s that bad.

THE EASY WAY OUT: Just change a few words and add a few commas here and there in the Obamacare law. Then claim that it has been repealed and replaced. Everyone goes home a winner. A winner, I say!

Kicking Off My Bucket List

BY STEVE BATES

I have no plan to die anytime soon. But I have been thinking lately about my mortality and all the things I want to do before I pass on. So here’s a first crack at a bucket list. I’d like to hear about what is important to you. Maybe you’ll persuade me to amend my list.

bucket

Here goes:

  1. Visit Egypt

I want to cruise the Nile River and tour the pyramids. But mostly I want to get confronted by terrorists and punch one in the face. Might as well go out swinging.

  1. See One Washington Sports Team Win Something

The baseball, football, hockey and basketball teams in D.C.—well, most of them—are pretty good at times. Until it comes to the playoffs. Then they melt like butter. Just once….

  1. All the Stuff Steve Martin Wished For

Remember that terrific “Saturday Night Live” Christmas skit? The one in which he wishes that all the little children could hold hands in harmony—and a few other things. I want all that. You can watch the skit here.

  1. Three Straight Spring Days Without Rain

It hasn’t happened. It probably never will. I’m getting used to talking my daily walk in the rain. But please, just three days.

  1. Be a Contestant on “Celebrity Stalker”

Okay, there is no such show. But there should be. And when there is, I want to compete for cash or prizes by stalking some overrated, overpaid actor or model on some obscure cable channel.

  1. Grow a 50-Pound Tomato

My garden is a source of great spiritual satisfaction, not to mention vegetables, fruit and flowers. And my gardening book won two awards. Still, there’s got to be some new challenge to keep me covered in mud year after year. So that’s my goal.

  1. Discover Clothes That Don’t Shrink

First of all, it seems ridiculous that a guy can wear the same clothes over and over and they wear out after a mere 10 or 15 years. But the fact that the waistlines on my pants keep shrinking—even without them being washed—is just too much.

  1. Find a Use for Laundry Lint

Speaking of washing, this thing about laundry lint is really bothering me. We pull it out of the dryer and just toss it in the trash. That’s millions of tons of useless waste filling our landfills every day. There are people devoted to cutting down on plastic that enters our oceans and other goody-goody projects. They should find something to do with laundry lint. Maybe they can turn it into, I don’t know, laundry.

  1. Discover a Cure for Sarcasm

Some people tell me that they never know when I’m being serious and when I’m being sarcastic. I tell them: It’s easy. I’m never serious and I’m always sarcastic. But now I hear that there might be a cure for sarcasm that involves only a partial lobotomy. Sign me up.

  1. Have a Real President Again

Forget the other nine bucket list items. I don’t even care that much whether the next president is a Democrat, Republican, Independent, Vegetarian or Philatelist. I just want a president who surrounds himself or herself with good people and listens to their advice. And doesn’t start any wars.

Want Health Care? Get in Line, Soldier

BY STEVE BATES

President Trump and leading congressional Republicans have settled on health care legislation that would provide low-cost coverage in exchange for intensive public service, the In Sight blog has learned.

gop health

That public service will require extreme manual labor, which contributes to good health. The alternatives for this public service were still in the “conceptual stage” when this Fake News blog was being written, but an unidentified source with little or no knowledge of the actual GOP discussions said that these are among the options that Americans will be able to choose from:

SERVANTS: Citizens will be able to sign a contract of indentured servitude, requiring that they become servants for rich people. Serving drinks, rubbing sore feet, stoking fires, refilling sherry decanters, cleaning bathrooms and serving more drinks will be among the tasks. Servants with high IQs will help their masters cheat on their taxes.

SOLDIERS: Those with good eyesight and questionable morals will be sent to the front lines in the wars in Syria and North Korea. Freeze-dried daily food rations will be supplied at a reduced cost to these brave public servants. Those who survive will be given the same quality of veterans benefits that today’s veterans enjoy.

CLEAN ENERGY: Americans will be detailed to walk in circles pushing turbines to generate electricity for energy-intensive wide-screen televisions and other devices for the affluent. Even senior citizens with walkers will be able to contribute in this manner.

TRANSPORTATION: Want a sea voyage in exchange for cheap health coverage? Sign up for the galley option and get strapped in with the rest of the rowing crews as they propel military vessels across the seven seas. Watch out for that whip.

CONSTRUCTION: A large number of Americans will be needed to build the wall separating Mexico and the U.S. At first, volunteers will threaten private landowners who refuse to donate their property. Next they will battle coyotes and cougars and fell massive trees as they clear the land. Finally they will carry construction materials on their backs to get that wall done.

SECURITY: Here’s where children and small adults will get their chance to contribute. They will crawl through hollow walls and other confined spaces in the Trump Tower, the White House and other federal buildings to systematically remove all the wiretaps planted by the shameless Obama Administration in its final, bitter days.