Tag Archives: President

Erasing Obama

BY STEVE BATES

Welcome to the Museum of Revised American History. Straight ahead is the Hall of the Presidents.

What’s that you ask? Why is there a giant empty space where the 44th president would be enshrined? An excellent question.

All traces of the eight years he served have been eradicated. You’re too young to have lived through that terrible, awful time. But I can tell you, it is amazing that our people and our country survived it.

We’re not supposed to talk about that time. Better to let the healing continue, our wonderful President for Life says.

obama

Believe it or not, before the President for Life, there was something called a free press, not the state-controlled media we have now. People were bombarded with fake news. They really didn’t know what to think. They even were led to believe that the President for Life was not very smart and he did some things that were not in the best interests of our great country. Boy, did he correct those false claims.

We can guess that the sorry mess that is our health care system can be traced to the terrible decisions made by whoever was the president back in those dark days. And the fact that several horrible wars have broken out across the globe in the past few years likely also can be linked to that worst-ever president.

No, I don’t recall his name. Those of us over the age of 21 have all had microchips implanted in our brains, with the wonderful result that all of our unpleasant memories of that miserable time have been erased. I do have the vague feeling that the man was an illegal immigrant, born in Africa or Hawaii or some other foreign country bent on our destruction.

How could one man do so much damage? Another excellent question. Historians believe that he did not act alone. There was a Deep State Conspiracy that our President for Life detected and wiped out, though the battle was long and bloody. There was one woman in particular who was particularly heinous. She sent several e-mails, I’m told. I shudder to think of how much our wonderful nation was corrupted by her disgusting actions.

But let’s not dwell on the past. Up ahead is a huge exhibition illustrating the accomplishments of our President for Life. The glowing monument at the center celebrates the historic peace agreement under which we relinquished our autonomy to the Russian Federation. Life is so much more serene now that the tension between our countries has been alleviated.

Next stop is the cafeteria. Today’s special is borscht. Of course, borscht is the special every day. Remember that if you want bread with your meal, you’ll need to get in that line. Looks like a two-hour wait today. Not nearly as bad as some days.

What’s that you say? You didn’t enjoy your visit to the Museum of Revised American History? Guard! I think we have a new recruit for the Labor Camp.

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Welcome to the Hysteria Channel

BY STEVE BATES

It’s big, it’s bold, it’s chock full of Fake News.

Today I am unveiling a new cable network, The Hysteria Channel, which will titillate viewers with loosely researched episodes depicting conspiracies and secret societies throughout man’s time on Earth.

hysteria

Sure, some TV networks purport to recount history. Others offer us Fake News programs one after the other. But this new channel goes far beyond, documenting the worst in human endeavor over the ages. Here are some of the episodes planned for Season 1:

INTERNMENT CAMPS: History books tell us that the U.S. government forced people of Japanese ancestry into crowded camps to prevent them from acting against this country during World War II. Our investigation proves that this is far from the truth. Instead, our forward-thinking leaders went out and found people of Asian descent who showed promise in math and the sciences. Instead of prison camps, they were installed in comfortable settings where they started work on modern computers and the Internet.

WATER FLUORIDATION: Yes, most municipalities added chemicals to our drinking water starting in the 1940s. But no, the chemicals were not designed to strengthen our teeth and deter cavities. The subtances were designed to control our minds, to make us susceptible to propaganda. The greatest proof came in 1969 when a majority of the population actually believed that humans set foot on the moon.

THE BERLIN WALL: The effects of the chemicals began to wear off by 1989, but not before a much-publicized November evening in which average people were photographed knocking down sections of The Berlin Wall. The so-called wall, which was designed to keep people from escaping East Germany for West Germany, was never built because of budget cuts. Instead, the East Germans erected a fake barrier out of painted paper and cardboard left over from World War II munitions shipments. The photos of people supposedly busting up the wall were shot at crumbling sections of the Great Wall of China.

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OBAMA: Much was made about the proposition that Barack Obama, our first African American president, was born in Kenya. Our investigation has proven his Kenyan birth certificate to be a fake. In reality, Obama was born on Ganymede, a moon of Jupiter, to a space alien couple visiting the solar system to determine how to destroy our civilization. How else can you explain the abomination of Obamacare?

ELECTION MEDDLING: Some members of the so-called intelligence community have claimed that Russian hackers—acting on their own or possibly with the direction of top Russian leaders—tried to influence the 2016 elections. Newly released texts prove that two FBI agents invented the whole thing to try to divert attention from their illicit affair. These are the same two agents who set up a secret society to try to fire President Donald Trump. Lock them up!

Have any ideas of your own for episodes that will depict conspiracies and cover-ups? Send your ideas to this blog. And don’t bother trying to disguise your identity. We know who you are and where you live!

Kicking Off My Bucket List

BY STEVE BATES

I have no plan to die anytime soon. But I have been thinking lately about my mortality and all the things I want to do before I pass on. So here’s a first crack at a bucket list. I’d like to hear about what is important to you. Maybe you’ll persuade me to amend my list.

bucket

Here goes:

  1. Visit Egypt

I want to cruise the Nile River and tour the pyramids. But mostly I want to get confronted by terrorists and punch one in the face. Might as well go out swinging.

  1. See One Washington Sports Team Win Something

The baseball, football, hockey and basketball teams in D.C.—well, most of them—are pretty good at times. Until it comes to the playoffs. Then they melt like butter. Just once….

  1. All the Stuff Steve Martin Wished For

Remember that terrific “Saturday Night Live” Christmas skit? The one in which he wishes that all the little children could hold hands in harmony—and a few other things. I want all that. You can watch the skit here.

  1. Three Straight Spring Days Without Rain

It hasn’t happened. It probably never will. I’m getting used to talking my daily walk in the rain. But please, just three days.

  1. Be a Contestant on “Celebrity Stalker”

Okay, there is no such show. But there should be. And when there is, I want to compete for cash or prizes by stalking some overrated, overpaid actor or model on some obscure cable channel.

  1. Grow a 50-Pound Tomato

My garden is a source of great spiritual satisfaction, not to mention vegetables, fruit and flowers. And my gardening book won two awards. Still, there’s got to be some new challenge to keep me covered in mud year after year. So that’s my goal.

  1. Discover Clothes That Don’t Shrink

First of all, it seems ridiculous that a guy can wear the same clothes over and over and they wear out after a mere 10 or 15 years. But the fact that the waistlines on my pants keep shrinking—even without them being washed—is just too much.

  1. Find a Use for Laundry Lint

Speaking of washing, this thing about laundry lint is really bothering me. We pull it out of the dryer and just toss it in the trash. That’s millions of tons of useless waste filling our landfills every day. There are people devoted to cutting down on plastic that enters our oceans and other goody-goody projects. They should find something to do with laundry lint. Maybe they can turn it into, I don’t know, laundry.

  1. Discover a Cure for Sarcasm

Some people tell me that they never know when I’m being serious and when I’m being sarcastic. I tell them: It’s easy. I’m never serious and I’m always sarcastic. But now I hear that there might be a cure for sarcasm that involves only a partial lobotomy. Sign me up.

  1. Have a Real President Again

Forget the other nine bucket list items. I don’t even care that much whether the next president is a Democrat, Republican, Independent, Vegetarian or Philatelist. I just want a president who surrounds himself or herself with good people and listens to their advice. And doesn’t start any wars.

Campaign Survival Guide

BY STEVE BATES

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have been bombarded with news and propaganda about the Nov. 8 elections. It’s only going to get worse during the final days. Here are tips to survive the remainder of the 2016 campaign:

DON’T WATCH TELEVISION

It’s not just the headlines on the evening news. The commercials are offensive as well. For example: Trump tried to have sex with all 37 Radio City Rockettes. Hillary emailed secret Coca-Coca formula to Pepsi executives. Shadowy organizations with indecipherable initials like the DCCCCC spend millions to bombard us with dubious claims about the other side—especially at this point in the campaign, when it’s too late to deny or counter the charges. If you must watch the tube, record your shows and fast-forward through the commercials.

trillary

DON’T READ NEWSPAPERS OR THE INTERNET

These days, the papers are filled with shock-value headlines. Perhaps that’s because, if they weren’t filled with such headlines, no one would read them anymore. Recognize that the papers are likely to give you heartburn while you eat your Wheaties. Trump plans to deport all residents of Blue States. Hillary invites alien civilization to settle in North Carolina. Similarly, the internet is filled with wild, unsubstantiated claims—with the exception of this blog, of course. If you venture onto the web, expect to encounter some really absurd fantasies. Trump fired contestants on The Apprentice. President Obama fathered two black children.

DON’T LOOK AT YOUR MAIL

Campaign mail is particularly nasty, but it is easily avoided. Treat it like bills. Stick it in a drawer for a few weeks. Trump: I’d like to punch the Pope. Hillary: I thought Benghazi was a pain-relief cream.

DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE

Campaign staffers are trying to get you to go door to door to get out the vote, or simply to persuade you to vote for their candidate. And pollsters are trying to figure out who you are voting for. Some people who identify themselves on the phone as pollsters are actually campaign staffers pretending to be pollsters. Others are insurance salespersons pretending to be pollsters. Let the phone ring and go to voicemail until Nov. 9. Would you still vote for Trump if you knew that he fantasized about having sex with Mother Teresa? Would you still vote for Hillary if you knew that she gave our secret nuclear codes to North Korea?

VOTE, BUT BE CAREFUL

Please do vote. But as you approach your polling location, avoid being intimidated by people trying to talk to you or hand you items such as fliers, sample ballots, money, guns and drugs. If the weather permits, wear a heavy coat and gloves, and keep your hat pulled down over your face. Talk to no one. Look straight ahead. If it’s too warm for a coat, cover yourself in bubble wrap and ignore the handouts and shouting. Trump plans to install a casino in the West Wing. Hillary is considering Satan for Secretary of State.

BRACE YOURSELF ON ELECTION NIGHT

It could be a long night. It could be a disappointing night. Even if your candidate wins, it probably won’t be a particularly cheerful night.

But at least it will be over.

Welcome, Outsiders

BY STEVE BATES

Welcome, outsiders, I’m your tour guide, Llewellyn. Congratulations on passing all the Beltway Border background checks and making it into Washington, D.C., our nation’s capital. You have all been certified as having no previous experience in government at any level. What’s more, you all have work and personal histories demonstrating no strong experience or knowledge in any important field. In short, you’re perfect for the new Washington.

The tour will start shortly. But first, are they are questions?

outside

Do I understand you correctly, little Timmy? You want to know who is the president of the United States right now, and if we can go see him? That’s a great question, little Timmy. Let’s see. First it was President Trump. Then there was a new Supreme Court after most of the former justices decided to move to South America. Then there was a new amendment to the Constitution requiring that all government officials be outsiders. I think President Trump filled most of the high court openings with smart people from New York. Investors in his businesses, if I recall.

But then an amazing and wonderful thing happened, little Timmy. What’s that? Timmy isn’t your name? It is if I say so.

Where was I? Oh yes, an amazing thing happened. The outsiders elected to the Congress decided that once a president had been in office for a month, he or she—excuse me for laughing at the idea of a woman president—He was no longer an outsider. He had been in office long enough to become an insider. And you know what we do to insiders.

Don’t get me wrong. All the insiders are being taken care of very well in the camps. At least, that’s what I read in the newspaper. The newspaper written and edited by members of the Falls Church ladies garden club. How very accurate they are. Who misses that scum who used to fill the White House press corps!

So the Supreme Court agreed with the Congress, and Mr. Trump moved to Texas to work on that Big Wall. Then there was President Sanders. Then, if I recall correctly, President Cruz. Then a bunch of folks. And today, why it’s Charlie Sheen. But I don’t think we can go see him today, fellow outsiders. The White House is still being renovated into a casino and hotel complex that will eventually cover 24 square blocks.

The first stop on our tour is the National Symphony building, where the old orchestra has been replaced by 16 marching bands from rural states. When they all play different songs at once and march into one another, it’s quite an experience. We won’t stop as we pass the Department of the Interior. It’s still being besieged by unemployed ranchers from out West. We’re confident that any day now their shipment of snacks will arrive and they will storm the building and take charge there.

After that we’ll make a quick stop at Walter Reed Hospital, where some of the finest Americans care for our many war wounded. The surgeons have no training, but as you know most of them stayed recently at a Holiday Inn Express. We’ll have lunch across from the majestic Capitol building. If we’re in luck, we might get a glimpse of some of the Scout Groups who now debate and pass our laws.

What’s that you ask, little Timmy? Why aren’t we moving? That’s another great question. The outsiders responsible for trash collection, for motor vehicle repair, for making the traffic signals work and for a few other relatively unimportant functions are still getting up to speed, as they say. But gridlock is not really much of an impediment for me, little Timmy, given the fact that I’m blind. The important thing is that we are all outsiders, and that the future belongs to us.

Any other questions?