Tag Archives: Putin

Erasing Obama

BY STEVE BATES

Welcome to the Museum of Revised American History. Straight ahead is the Hall of the Presidents.

What’s that you ask? Why is there a giant empty space where the 44th president would be enshrined? An excellent question.

All traces of the eight years he served have been eradicated. You’re too young to have lived through that terrible, awful time. But I can tell you, it is amazing that our people and our country survived it.

We’re not supposed to talk about that time. Better to let the healing continue, our wonderful President for Life says.

obama

Believe it or not, before the President for Life, there was something called a free press, not the state-controlled media we have now. People were bombarded with fake news. They really didn’t know what to think. They even were led to believe that the President for Life was not very smart and he did some things that were not in the best interests of our great country. Boy, did he correct those false claims.

We can guess that the sorry mess that is our health care system can be traced to the terrible decisions made by whoever was the president back in those dark days. And the fact that several horrible wars have broken out across the globe in the past few years likely also can be linked to that worst-ever president.

No, I don’t recall his name. Those of us over the age of 21 have all had microchips implanted in our brains, with the wonderful result that all of our unpleasant memories of that miserable time have been erased. I do have the vague feeling that the man was an illegal immigrant, born in Africa or Hawaii or some other foreign country bent on our destruction.

How could one man do so much damage? Another excellent question. Historians believe that he did not act alone. There was a Deep State Conspiracy that our President for Life detected and wiped out, though the battle was long and bloody. There was one woman in particular who was particularly heinous. She sent several e-mails, I’m told. I shudder to think of how much our wonderful nation was corrupted by her disgusting actions.

But let’s not dwell on the past. Up ahead is a huge exhibition illustrating the accomplishments of our President for Life. The glowing monument at the center celebrates the historic peace agreement under which we relinquished our autonomy to the Russian Federation. Life is so much more serene now that the tension between our countries has been alleviated.

Next stop is the cafeteria. Today’s special is borscht. Of course, borscht is the special every day. Remember that if you want bread with your meal, you’ll need to get in that line. Looks like a two-hour wait today. Not nearly as bad as some days.

What’s that you say? You didn’t enjoy your visit to the Museum of Revised American History? Guard! I think we have a new recruit for the Labor Camp.

Advertisements

Government by Tweet

BY STEVE BATES

We have entered the age of government by tweet. President-Elect Donald Trump has already perfected the strategy of cranking out a 140-character message at any hour to change the way that the wheels of power spin.

What if great leaders of the past had been forced to communicate in this manner? Would they have found Twitter too restrictive? Or could they have adapted to the format?

As it turns out, a few great men and women were ahead of their time in this regard. Consider the short message that Julius Caesar dashed off to the Roman Senate after he had achieved a quick victory in the Battle of Zela.

 

JCaesar                                             47 BC

I came. I saw. I conquered.

 

What could be more concise? By the way, historians still debate whether Battle of Zela was an actual military conflict or a prototype video game.

Nearly two millennia later, a bunch of rebels hunched over a wooden desk in sunny Philadelphia crafted the following missive.

 

JAdams                                             4 July 1776

When in the course of human events…. Hmm. On second thought, let’s get right to it. We’re mad as hell, Great Britain, and we’re not going to take it anymore.

 

Soon thereafter came the task of writing the U.S. Constitution. This effort required great thought to preserve important rights and establish effective governance. However, our Founding Parents were able to compress the document quite skillfully.

 

TJefferson                                                  13 Sept 1787

Free speech and religion. Lots of guns. No self-incrimination. President, Congress and Courts (please try to get along). We’ll figure out that slavery thing later.

 

Alas, that last part turned out to be a mistake. In the midst of the Civil War, one of our greatest presidents journeyed to Gettysburg, Pa., to lament the loss of life and to give this inspiring speech.

 

ALincoln                                           19 Nov 1863

87 years ago we became a country. The men buried here died so we could keep it one. Let’s stick together, people.

 

Of course, we continued to fight war after war. Yet one of the biggest threats to our existence came not in a declared war but in the Cuban missile crisis of 1962. Who could forget President Kennedy’s stirring message to Nikita Khrushchev.

 

JFK                                                     20 Oct 1962

Get those missiles out now, Niki, or Fidel’s little island will glow in the dark for the next 10,000 years.

 

Life in the U.S. was pretty sweet after that until some folks tried to change health care and enacted the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare. Here’s how they put it into effect:

 

DCDems                                            21 Mar 2010

Health insurance for everybody, or pay a fine. Pre-existing conditions covered. Get financial aid for premiums–well, some of you. Have lots of choices for plans and doctors–except in most states. But it’s really good, trust us.

 

What can we expect in the future? Maybe something like this:

DTrump                                             1 Feb 2017

My laptop won’t boot. I’m getting Mister Rogers reruns instead of CNN. Everything’s been hacked. Get Vlad on the hotline!