Tag Archives: Republicans

The Mueller Report Revealed

BY STEVE BATES

The “In Sight” blog has received an advance copy of the long-awaited Mueller Report, both the Redacted and Unredacted versions. Crucial excerpts are featured below. Each Redacted passage is followed by the original version as written by the Mueller team.

This blog is indebted to the courageous person who leaked this material for this worldwide scoop. This blog will never reveal its source. This blog is particularly insistent that the report was not leaked by former Robert Mueller assistant Fred, with whom we had several drinks last night. Don’t even think about Fred as being the source. Even though we picked up the tab and Fred needed help just to make it to the men’s room….

President Trump made no attempt to XXXXREDACTEDXXXX obstruct justice. XXXXREDACTEDXXXX. Trump is not XXXXREDACTEDXXXX a crook.

President Trump made no attempt to hide how fiercely he intended to obstruct justice. He acted blatantly and shamelessly by trying repeatedly to stop or limit this investigation. He admitted to Lester Holt on national television that his reason for firing then-FBI Director James Comey was that he was unhappy with the probe. When officials declined to follow his orders to try to cut short the investigation, he threatened or publicly humiliated them. Trump is not to be believed regarding this obstruction. He is clearly a crook.

The Russian Federation attempted to ensure XXXXREDACTEDXXXX a fair U.S. election in 2016. XXXXREDACTEDXXXX. There is no XXXXREDACTEDXXXX collusion or  conspiracy.

The Russian Federation attempted to ensure that Donald Trump won the presidential election. Russia utilized social media as well as other tactics to shift opinion to help Trump and hurt Hillary Clinton. Russia was determined to undermine our belief that it was possible to have a fair U.S. election in 2016. Members of the Trump family, the Trump campaign and Trump organization met with repeatedly with nefarious Russian agents to ensure that Trump would win. There was clear coordination of the release of stolen Democratic emails to undermine the Clinton campaign. There is no evidence that Donald Trump and his minions were the least bit ashamed of collusion or conspiracy.

Money laundering by the Trump organization XXXXREDACTEDXXXX could not have happened.

Money laundering by the Trump organization is a longstanding practice. After banks around the globe realized that the Trump brand was synonymous with bankruptcy, the Trumps turned to shady and downright illegal sources of financing. Much of this came from Russian oligarchs with close ties to President Putin. Without this source of cash, the continued existence of the Trump organization could not have happened.

Some have claimed that hush money payments were made to alleged Donald Trump mistresses right before the 2016 election, which if true would be clear and intentional violations of federal campaign finance law. Trump could not have XXXXREDACTEDXXXX paid off these women to avoid scandal and to prevent his wife from hearing about these trysts.

Some have claimed that hush money payments were made to alleged Donald Trump mistresses right before the 2016 election, which if true would be clear and intentional violations of federal campaign finance law. Trump could not have been more transparent; he paid off these women to avoid scandal and to prevent his wife from hearing about these trysts.

Donald Trump has XXXXREDACTEDXXXX not broken any laws. Find XXXXREDACTEDXXXX Robert Mueller. XXXXREDACTEDXXXX. Lock him up.

Donald Trump has thumbed his nose at honest, hard-working Americans by his insistence that he has not broken any laws. Find anyone with an IQ over 70 who thinks Robert Mueller is on a witch hunt and had a grudge against the president. The evidence is overwhelming: Trump broke the law. Lock him up.

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Let’s Build That Wall

BY STEVE BATES

As a raging far-left Democrat/Socialist/Wild-and-Crazy sort of liberal, I have been staunchly opposed to President Trump’s border wall. But I have come around to the belief that if we can find a way to build it cheaply, the pointless political standoff will end and the government can get back to the business of ignoring the needs of the populace.

So here are my suggestions for ways we can get the wall done without billions of dollars in costs for concrete and/or steel:

A MOAT: We can simply rent a few backhoes, dig a canal, and wait for summer rains to fill it. Volunteers from border states will add alligators, piranhas, sharks, sick immigrant kids and other scary things that will await anyone stupid enough to try to cross it.

COAL: Better yet, make a wall out of Clean Coal, if such a thing really exists. This will give that moribund mining economy a boost. And once the Democrats regain full control of the government, we can burn the wall in one hell of a party. Ribs, anyone?

SOYBEANS: Thousands of farmers are stuck with tons of these beans because of the trade embargoes. Dump them along the border, and people trying to cross illegally will slip and slide so badly they will wish they stayed in the drug cartel back home.

SANDBAGS: These are cheap to make and stack, and they will come in handy when global warming turns Mexico into an ocean.

BARBED WIRE: It will only take a few dozen murdering rapist immigrants getting tangled in this and bleeding to death on national television for the caravans to head elsewhere, such as Cancun.

A HOLOGRAM: Put the high-tech people to work on a device that will project the image of a wall, complete with sharp spikes and burly Game of Thrones types prepared to toss spears or dump boiling oil on would-be illegal immigrants.

A SOUND BARRIER: Install loudspeakers along the border and blast those boys with a constant barrage of ear-splitting music, such as AC/DC. If you  want to get nasty, broadcast the theme to “Green Acres” over and over and over.

LAUNDRY LINT: For years, the greatest scientific minds have been struggling to find a use for laundry lint. The National Laundry Lint Reserve has reached several billion metric tons. Let’s put it to work.

STOCK CERTIFICATES: By Spring, the stock market will have crashed. Take all those paper stock certificates and stack them along the border. They have to be good for something.

THE WORLD’S LONGEST CASINO: This would require an investor with a track record of business success in this industry, who has never failed and is the best, really the best, at everything. I can think of one such business man. Someone who might be out of a job in the near future. Bigly.

Want Health Care? Get in Line, Soldier

BY STEVE BATES

President Trump and leading congressional Republicans have settled on health care legislation that would provide low-cost coverage in exchange for intensive public service, the In Sight blog has learned.

gop health

That public service will require extreme manual labor, which contributes to good health. The alternatives for this public service were still in the “conceptual stage” when this Fake News blog was being written, but an unidentified source with little or no knowledge of the actual GOP discussions said that these are among the options that Americans will be able to choose from:

SERVANTS: Citizens will be able to sign a contract of indentured servitude, requiring that they become servants for rich people. Serving drinks, rubbing sore feet, stoking fires, refilling sherry decanters, cleaning bathrooms and serving more drinks will be among the tasks. Servants with high IQs will help their masters cheat on their taxes.

SOLDIERS: Those with good eyesight and questionable morals will be sent to the front lines in the wars in Syria and North Korea. Freeze-dried daily food rations will be supplied at a reduced cost to these brave public servants. Those who survive will be given the same quality of veterans benefits that today’s veterans enjoy.

CLEAN ENERGY: Americans will be detailed to walk in circles pushing turbines to generate electricity for energy-intensive wide-screen televisions and other devices for the affluent. Even senior citizens with walkers will be able to contribute in this manner.

TRANSPORTATION: Want a sea voyage in exchange for cheap health coverage? Sign up for the galley option and get strapped in with the rest of the rowing crews as they propel military vessels across the seven seas. Watch out for that whip.

CONSTRUCTION: A large number of Americans will be needed to build the wall separating Mexico and the U.S. At first, volunteers will threaten private landowners who refuse to donate their property. Next they will battle coyotes and cougars and fell massive trees as they clear the land. Finally they will carry construction materials on their backs to get that wall done.

SECURITY: Here’s where children and small adults will get their chance to contribute. They will crawl through hollow walls and other confined spaces in the Trump Tower, the White House and other federal buildings to systematically remove all the wiretaps planted by the shameless Obama Administration in its final, bitter days.