Tag Archives: satire

Trump’s Ten Commandments

BY STEVE BATES

The following is the text of Executive Order 666 signed today President Trump, updating the Ten Commandments for contemporary needs.

1 You shall have no other presidents but me.

The restriction on serving two four-year terms is hereby eliminated.

2 You shall not make for yourself any idol, nor bow down to it or worship it.

Unless, of course, it is in my image.

3 You shall not misuse the name of the president.

It’s trademarked, you know. I am a franchise.

4 You shall remember and keep Election Day holy.

Registered Republicans who fail to vote face deportation to s—hole countries.

5 Respect your father and mother.

Unless they are Democrats.

6 You must not commit murder.

One exception: Me, on Fifth Avenue.

7 You must not commit adultery.

I, however, can run wild.

8 You must not steal.

Unless it’s an election, and I’m behind.

9 You must not give false evidence against your neighbor.

Exceptions allowed for grand jury testimony by my current and former cronies.

10 You must not be envious of your neighbor’s possessions.

However, the IRS has carte blanche. Especially against my enemies.

Identical Snowflakes Highlight Scientific Advances

BY STEVE BATES

Scientists have discovered two snowflakes that are totally identical, a stunning development in meteorological research that stands of one of the top advances of 2017.

Experts at the U.S. Department of Really Expensive Arcane Developments (DREAD) announced Thursday that the snowflake discovery occurred in the remote town of Damitskold, S.D. Sensors that examine every snowflake that falls in the town set off alarms at 4:12 a.m. when the twin flakes fell harmlessly onto the shoulder of Route 410.

flakes

Teams of DREAD employees were dispatched by helicopter to the site, where they excavated a 400-cubic-foot chunk of snow and frozen tundra and whisked it to an underground lab. There, scientists combed through more than 8 billion flakes to isolate the two identical ones.

“We know that this will be hard for some people to believe,” commented an obviously excited DREAD Director Abby Normal. “But machines don’t lie. These snowflakes are identical in every possible way. Unfortunately, in the process of recovering the flakes, one was damaged. And one melted when a researcher inadvertently breathed,” conceded Normal. “These workers have been punished severely for their actions. However, we stand by our findings, putting to rest one of life’s greatest mysteries.”

DREAD first made headlines three years ago when it found conclusive evidence that a stitch in time saves nine. Normal said she had no doubt that DREAD’s annual budget of $250 billion will be increased during upcoming deliberations in Washington.

“There’s so much left to do,” she stated. “For example, we have teams working round-the-clock trying to determine whether a picture is indeed worth one thousand words. Preliminary findings indicate that a typical picture corresponds with 914.11 words, but modern photo data-compression techniques might be impacting those results.”

Moving forward, DREAD hopes to determine whether laughter is indeed the best medicine. Several dozen volunteer subjects with a range of terminal diseases will be subjected to recordings of Jim Carrey, David Letterman and Samantha Bee 24/7 to monitor their reactions. Jerry Seinfeld was willing to speak directly to the subjects, but scientists agreed that he isn’t funny anymore.

“Determining whether the pen is mightier than the sword should also bear significant results for the public,” stated Normal. “We have purchased thousands of pens and swords and will begin testing them in January.” She said that while researchers have recruited more than 400 volunteers to use swords in the research, DREAD is still seeking people willing to enter combat with pens.

She hinted that DREAD might have another exciting announcement soon. “We started the ‘watched pot never boils’ trial in November. Fred, sitting there at the model kitchen, has been at it nonstop, and we are hopeful that he will avoid falling into a coma long enough to prove or disprove this saying once and for all.

“Now Fred, please try to keep your eyes open. Remember, good things come to those who wait.”