Tag Archives: science

Welcome to the Hysteria Channel

BY STEVE BATES

It’s big, it’s bold, it’s chock full of Fake News.

Today I am unveiling a new cable network, The Hysteria Channel, which will titillate viewers with loosely researched episodes depicting conspiracies and secret societies throughout man’s time on Earth.

hysteria

Sure, some TV networks purport to recount history. Others offer us Fake News programs one after the other. But this new channel goes far beyond, documenting the worst in human endeavor over the ages. Here are some of the episodes planned for Season 1:

INTERNMENT CAMPS: History books tell us that the U.S. government forced people of Japanese ancestry into crowded camps to prevent them from acting against this country during World War II. Our investigation proves that this is far from the truth. Instead, our forward-thinking leaders went out and found people of Asian descent who showed promise in math and the sciences. Instead of prison camps, they were installed in comfortable settings where they started work on modern computers and the Internet.

WATER FLUORIDATION: Yes, most municipalities added chemicals to our drinking water starting in the 1940s. But no, the chemicals were not designed to strengthen our teeth and deter cavities. The subtances were designed to control our minds, to make us susceptible to propaganda. The greatest proof came in 1969 when a majority of the population actually believed that humans set foot on the moon.

THE BERLIN WALL: The effects of the chemicals began to wear off by 1989, but not before a much-publicized November evening in which average people were photographed knocking down sections of The Berlin Wall. The so-called wall, which was designed to keep people from escaping East Germany for West Germany, was never built because of budget cuts. Instead, the East Germans erected a fake barrier out of painted paper and cardboard left over from World War II munitions shipments. The photos of people supposedly busting up the wall were shot at crumbling sections of the Great Wall of China.

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OBAMA: Much was made about the proposition that Barack Obama, our first African American president, was born in Kenya. Our investigation has proven his Kenyan birth certificate to be a fake. In reality, Obama was born on Ganymede, a moon of Jupiter, to a space alien couple visiting the solar system to determine how to destroy our civilization. How else can you explain the abomination of Obamacare?

ELECTION MEDDLING: Some members of the so-called intelligence community have claimed that Russian hackers—acting on their own or possibly with the direction of top Russian leaders—tried to influence the 2016 elections. Newly released texts prove that two FBI agents invented the whole thing to try to divert attention from their illicit affair. These are the same two agents who set up a secret society to try to fire President Donald Trump. Lock them up!

Have any ideas of your own for episodes that will depict conspiracies and cover-ups? Send your ideas to this blog. And don’t bother trying to disguise your identity. We know who you are and where you live!

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Identical Snowflakes Highlight Scientific Advances

BY STEVE BATES

Scientists have discovered two snowflakes that are totally identical, a stunning development in meteorological research that stands of one of the top advances of 2017.

Experts at the U.S. Department of Really Expensive Arcane Developments (DREAD) announced Thursday that the snowflake discovery occurred in the remote town of Damitskold, S.D. Sensors that examine every snowflake that falls in the town set off alarms at 4:12 a.m. when the twin flakes fell harmlessly onto the shoulder of Route 410.

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Teams of DREAD employees were dispatched by helicopter to the site, where they excavated a 400-cubic-foot chunk of snow and frozen tundra and whisked it to an underground lab. There, scientists combed through more than 8 billion flakes to isolate the two identical ones.

“We know that this will be hard for some people to believe,” commented an obviously excited DREAD Director Abby Normal. “But machines don’t lie. These snowflakes are identical in every possible way. Unfortunately, in the process of recovering the flakes, one was damaged. And one melted when a researcher inadvertently breathed,” conceded Normal. “These workers have been punished severely for their actions. However, we stand by our findings, putting to rest one of life’s greatest mysteries.”

DREAD first made headlines three years ago when it found conclusive evidence that a stitch in time saves nine. Normal said she had no doubt that DREAD’s annual budget of $250 billion will be increased during upcoming deliberations in Washington.

“There’s so much left to do,” she stated. “For example, we have teams working round-the-clock trying to determine whether a picture is indeed worth one thousand words. Preliminary findings indicate that a typical picture corresponds with 914.11 words, but modern photo data-compression techniques might be impacting those results.”

Moving forward, DREAD hopes to determine whether laughter is indeed the best medicine. Several dozen volunteer subjects with a range of terminal diseases will be subjected to recordings of Jim Carrey, David Letterman and Samantha Bee 24/7 to monitor their reactions. Jerry Seinfeld was willing to speak directly to the subjects, but scientists agreed that he isn’t funny anymore.

“Determining whether the pen is mightier than the sword should also bear significant results for the public,” stated Normal. “We have purchased thousands of pens and swords and will begin testing them in January.” She said that while researchers have recruited more than 400 volunteers to use swords in the research, DREAD is still seeking people willing to enter combat with pens.

She hinted that DREAD might have another exciting announcement soon. “We started the ‘watched pot never boils’ trial in November. Fred, sitting there at the model kitchen, has been at it nonstop, and we are hopeful that he will avoid falling into a coma long enough to prove or disprove this saying once and for all.

“Now Fred, please try to keep your eyes open. Remember, good things come to those who wait.”