Tag Archives: Trump

Trump’s Ten Commandments

BY STEVE BATES

The following is the text of Executive Order 666 signed today President Trump, updating the Ten Commandments for contemporary needs.

1 You shall have no other presidents but me.

The restriction on serving two four-year terms is hereby eliminated.

2 You shall not make for yourself any idol, nor bow down to it or worship it.

Unless, of course, it is in my image.

3 You shall not misuse the name of the president.

It’s trademarked, you know. I am a franchise.

4 You shall remember and keep Election Day holy.

Registered Republicans who fail to vote face deportation to s—hole countries.

5 Respect your father and mother.

Unless they are Democrats.

6 You must not commit murder.

One exception: Me, on Fifth Avenue.

7 You must not commit adultery.

I, however, can run wild.

8 You must not steal.

Unless it’s an election, and I’m behind.

9 You must not give false evidence against your neighbor.

Exceptions allowed for grand jury testimony by my current and former cronies.

10 You must not be envious of your neighbor’s possessions.

However, the IRS has carte blanche. Especially against my enemies.

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Freezing Illegal Immigration

BY STEVE BATES

The In Sight blog has been granted an exclusive tour of a prototype 800,000-square-foot migrant holding facility here in the boder town of Nogirlies, Texas. Our guide is ICE Interim Assistant Deputy Undersecretary Dudley Force.

“It’s awfully cold in here, Mr. Interim Assistant Deputy Undersecretary.”

“That’s because we have nearly 4,000 migrants frozen in these mammoth blocks of ice. We have to keep them from thawing. And you can just call me Interim.”

“Thanks, Interim. You can just call me the In Sight blog. Did I just hear you say that you have  people frozen in ice?”

New Kids in the Block

“Yes. We have a humanitarian crisis because so many people are arriving illegally. We tried keeping them in jails, in tents and in school gyms–even dumping them at McDonalds in the hope that they would get hired or simply hang out there indefinitely. There’s just too many migrants. And this border with the Evil Empire of Central America is ground zero.”

“Um, isn’t that Mexico right beyond that imaginary Wall?”

“Mexico. Central America. All the same. Bad hombres.”

“If you say so. Now, how does freezing people address the humanitarian crisis?”

“You and other Enemies of the State who write fake news have obsessed over our practice of separating children from their parents. Here, they remain in close proximity. Look, we’re thawing out a woman and her four children who are scheduled for a hearing on their spurious asylum claim. They’re far from separated.”

“Yes, I see that they are stuck together.”

“A temporary problem. We have staffers with blowtorches who can fix that.”

“Isn’t it dangerous to freeze people in ice?”

“You know, we didn’t think about that. We just saw a problem and decided to act decisively. Our president likes that kind of decision making.”

“Does it hurt when they are frozen and thawed out?

“Well, it might. But we have to do something to deter illegal immigration. And look: This family that has been frozen for three weeks looks as good as new. I’m sure that their vision and motor skills will return soon.”

“I notice that their skin has been bleached white by spending so much time in ice.”

“Just a fortunate side effect.”

“How did you come up with the idea of freezing migrants?”

“We are ICE, after all. We thought: Why not live up to the name?”

 “I heard a rumor that the president is going to tour this facility next week.”

“More fake news. Off the record, he keeps getting confused by the names ICE and ISIS.”

“What’s that siren for?”

“Head for the shelter! He must be bombing us again!”

Dear Graduates: Good Luck. You’ll Need It.

BY STEVE BATES

I am honored to be the featured speaker at today’s graduation ceremony here at Whatsamatta U. I hope that every one of you in the audience today enjoys a successful and rewarding future. But let’s face it, the chances of that happening are close to zero.

Let’s start with perhaps the biggest challenge you face: climate change. How many of you are engineers or environmental scientists? I count maybe four hands. That’s sad. Someone has to fix this problem. Heck, now that we know that wind turbines cause cancer, there are few options left that might slow or reverse the disastrous impact that humans are having on the planet.

It will take leadership. But look at the political environment today. We see increased polarization between the left and right in Washington. And that divide reflects an equally strong split among Americans in general. It seems like half the country are godless, fire-breathing, radical, hippie socialists who eat unborn babies, while the other half are evangelical, ultra-conservative, keep-your-hands-off-my-millions cave dwellers who eat dinner at 4:30.

What little leadership we have might soon be preoccupied with sending more Americans off to fight wars with North Korea, Iran and Mexico. Mexico? Got to stop those godless, fire-breathing, radical, hippie, socialist immigrants from sneaking into the country and stealing all those low-paying jobs that no one else will take.

Maybe, you think, these problems have little to do with you. Perhaps you are more concerned about paying the rent and those massive student loans. Ah, I see that the words “student loans” have gotten your attention—even from a few of you who had been dozing in the back. Well, I am here to announce that I intend to pay off none of your loans. Your problem.

As you try to establish your careers, avoid fentanyl overdoses and unwanted pregnancies, and generally find your places in this messed-up world, I offer this perspective: As bad as things are now, they can only get worse.

You might become the top hedge fund manager or establish new records in arena football. You might discover new cancer treatments or sell more paintings than Picasso. But along the way your knees and back will begin to ache, and before you know it you’ll be discussing things like long-term-care insurance and do-not-resuscitate orders.

I suspect that there is one burning question before you right now. Why in God’s name am I here giving this non-inspirational address today? The answer is twofold: One, I came cheap. And two, the administrators here at Whatsamatta U. decided that it would be best to feature a speaker who embodies everything that went wrong in the past several decades. As a Baby Boomer, I and my generation are totally responsible for f-ing up your world.

So, get out there and do just the opposite of what us old farts have done. It’s your only chance.

McCain Responds to Trump

BY STEVE BATES

I have just attended a séance in which the medium was successful in contacting the late John McCain. The following is a complete transcript of his message for President Trump:

I’d like to say how very sorry I am that I have let you down, Donald, both in life and in death. The situations in which I have mistreated you are too many to enumerate. But let me try to atone for some of my greatest sins.

It was particularly unbecoming of the warrior that I am to allow myself to be captured during the Vietnam War. Much of the time that I was in captivity, I was hoping that you were managing to find some comfort. I know that you are a perfectionist and suffered every time that you could not find just the right keg party to attend or were forced to bed down with a brunette or redhead when you couldn’t seduce the blonde of your choice.

I thought that you would have a soft spot in your heart—assuming you do have a heart—after my father arranged for you to receive a war deferment based on that laughable claim of bone spurs. (They have not hampered your ability to play golf all these years, I see.) And no, I don’t recall my father talking about you thanking him for his help.

I admit that I let you down during my years in the Senate. I had never promised that I would vote for repeal of Obamacare, you might recall. Your worthless advisers had hoped that I would, and I must say that you showed magnificent restraint and flexibility after the vote by changing your mind and deciding not to have them executed.

It was cruel of me to provide the government with the dossier indicating your close relationship with various low-life individuals in Russia. And by low-life I mean your buddy Putin, not to mention his high-paid thugs. A little suggestion: Next time you need to relieve yourself in a hotel room, check for hidden cameras.

It was all my fault that Robert Mueller instigated that witch hunt against you, your family, and several dozen of your closest associates. I know now that I should have ignored rock-solid evidence of your money laundering, rigging the 2016 presidential election and using the presidency as your private piggy bank.

Yes, I should have contacted you to thank you after you reluctantly agreed to have your frightened underlings arrange for my funeral. Your two seconds of work devoted to that decision were surely among the most challenging and strenuous seconds you have put in since becoming the Leader of the Free World. In my defense, I was kind of busy Up Here getting oriented to my new surroundings. But I let you down, and I am sorry.

Donald, I hope that you life a long and full life. Because I have been told by reliable sources Up Here that, when you finally die, there won’t be any room for you.

Let’s Build That Wall

BY STEVE BATES

As a raging far-left Democrat/Socialist/Wild-and-Crazy sort of liberal, I have been staunchly opposed to President Trump’s border wall. But I have come around to the belief that if we can find a way to build it cheaply, the pointless political standoff will end and the government can get back to the business of ignoring the needs of the populace.

So here are my suggestions for ways we can get the wall done without billions of dollars in costs for concrete and/or steel:

A MOAT: We can simply rent a few backhoes, dig a canal, and wait for summer rains to fill it. Volunteers from border states will add alligators, piranhas, sharks, sick immigrant kids and other scary things that will await anyone stupid enough to try to cross it.

COAL: Better yet, make a wall out of Clean Coal, if such a thing really exists. This will give that moribund mining economy a boost. And once the Democrats regain full control of the government, we can burn the wall in one hell of a party. Ribs, anyone?

SOYBEANS: Thousands of farmers are stuck with tons of these beans because of the trade embargoes. Dump them along the border, and people trying to cross illegally will slip and slide so badly they will wish they stayed in the drug cartel back home.

SANDBAGS: These are cheap to make and stack, and they will come in handy when global warming turns Mexico into an ocean.

BARBED WIRE: It will only take a few dozen murdering rapist immigrants getting tangled in this and bleeding to death on national television for the caravans to head elsewhere, such as Cancun.

A HOLOGRAM: Put the high-tech people to work on a device that will project the image of a wall, complete with sharp spikes and burly Game of Thrones types prepared to toss spears or dump boiling oil on would-be illegal immigrants.

A SOUND BARRIER: Install loudspeakers along the border and blast those boys with a constant barrage of ear-splitting music, such as AC/DC. If you  want to get nasty, broadcast the theme to “Green Acres” over and over and over.

LAUNDRY LINT: For years, the greatest scientific minds have been struggling to find a use for laundry lint. The National Laundry Lint Reserve has reached several billion metric tons. Let’s put it to work.

STOCK CERTIFICATES: By Spring, the stock market will have crashed. Take all those paper stock certificates and stack them along the border. They have to be good for something.

THE WORLD’S LONGEST CASINO: This would require an investor with a track record of business success in this industry, who has never failed and is the best, really the best, at everything. I can think of one such business man. Someone who might be out of a job in the near future. Bigly.

Exclusive Interview With President Trump

BY STEVE BATES

The following is a transcript of the In Sight blog’s exclusive interview with President Trump, conducted during a two-minute presidential bathroom break aboard Air Force One. It has not been edited or censored in any way except to paraphrase 23 expletives inappropriate for adult readers.

Thank you for your time, Mr. President. How are you today?

Pass me the toilet paper.

Uh, the only paper I see is the New York Times.

Yes, that’s what I use.

Here you go. Let me congratulate you for your victory in the Missisippi Senate race. Your candidate won by a strong margin.

Yes, I can take full credit for that. I encouraged her to use that “public hanging” phrase. Really fired up the base.

I see. Can I ask you about the climate change report that your administration just issued?  It painted a pretty bleak picture.

There is no climate change report.

Well, I read it.

I don’t believe it. The climate can’t change, because there is no climate. It’s just something made up by radical Hollywood elites.

No climate? Then what causes weather, like rain and hurricanes?

That’s just fake news.

Good to know. What about your daughter’s use of a private email server to conduct government business. Isn’t that the same thing that Hillary Clinton did?

Not at all. Hillary revealed state secrets, like the nuclear missile codes and the location of the Confederate treasury. Ivanka was just sending out Christmas greetings. This whole fake witch hunt is part of the War on Christmas. Christ, it makes me sick. Hand me another section of the Times.

I’m interested in your plans to build a border wall. Where will you get the money?

It’s already under way. Prison inmates, children taken from migrant families, and aliens who have been sequestered at Area 51 all these years are building it now. Even little old ladies who live near the border are knitting razor wire fences. It’s inspiring.

Wow. What about the Mueller investigation? Are you concerned about what he might claim?

Not at all. I have seen the report, and I can say proudly that it concludes that there was no collusion. No collusion!

How did you get a copy, if you don’t mind me asking?

Why should I tell you?

Well, no one reads my blog, so your secret is safe with me.

My staff is finishing work on the report right now.

Your staff? I though Mueller was writing it.

The real Mueller has been undergoing extreme interrogation at Guantanamo for six months. We created a body double to take his place. (Flushes.) Your time is up. Get out of here.

One last question.

Don’t push it, pal. I can make one call and a bunch of Saudi friends of mine will make sure this column is you last.

Trump: Illegal Immigrants Will Build Border Wall

BY STEVE BATES

President Trump announced today that undocumented immigrants—including children separated from their parents—will build the border wall with Mexico.

Labor camps are already being assembled along the lengthy border. They will house children separately from adults. An administration spokesman said that the adult camps will be at least five miles from those used to house children, so that even if immigrants manage to climb on top of something and use binoculars, they will just be out of sight of their families.

immigration_protest

“Knowing that loved-ones are nearby should be a mighty motivating force for immigrants in constructing this much-needed border wall,” said the spokesman. “They will keep building and building with the vain hope of getting close to their family members.”

Trump tweeted that he got the idea from North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il. “Kim has mastered the art of taking idle hands and putting them to work for good purposes,” said Trump. “We’re going to build this wall in no time.”

The Trump administration spokesman said the immigrants building the wall will be paid the equivalent of one dollar an hour in a new cryptocurrency, TrumpCoin. Those who demonstrate advanced skills or who work more than 14 hours a day could earn college credit at Trump University.

“We have about 90 million illegal immigrants in this country,” the president tweeted. “We’re going to put them to work!” Children as young as four will be expected to participate.

He added that those undocumented residents who are not currently in detention have 10 days to surrender to ICE agents in order to get the best bunks in the labor camps. Those who fail to do so will face to prospect of sleeping two a cot.

wall

“When we look back on this 20 years from now,” said Trump, “we’ll be proud of this great project. We will probably hold a parade for any immigrants who survive the process.”

Americans who immigrated legally to the United States might also be asked to help the effort, the administration spokesman stated. He said that exceptions will be made for people who are making substantial contributions to the public good, such as First Lady Melania Trump.

“Brown, black, yellow–we won’t discriminate,” said the spokesman. “Everyone who isn’t white will have the same opportunity to break their backs and spill their blood for the betterment of this great country.”