Tag Archives: Trump

Madman Across the Water


In case you missed it, North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un, has agreed to meet with U.S. President Donald Trump. Kim, the man Trump once mocked as “Rocket Man,” reportedly has agreed to stop testing nukes before the meeting occurs.

The “In Sight” blog has learned that the North Korean dictator agreed to the meeting on one condition: His comments will be limited to lyrics from rock musician Elton John, who wrote the song “Rocket Man.” Because Kim is known for his odd behavior, U.S. officials decided to go along with him in the interest of world peace.


Here is a possible preview of the big meeting:

Trump: Nice to meet you. Before we get into all this nuke stuff, I was wondering if you could help me with a little problem I’m having. A lady problem. Any chance you could make someone disappear?

Kim: Like a candle in the wind.

Trump: Great. Now, about those missiles and warheads. I’d like to get to a place where no one has to live in fear that atomic bombs will end their lives any minute.

Kim: Live for each second without hesitation.

Trump: Hmm. I figured this would be difficult. Let’s try it a different way. I know that your people are starving. What if we offered food shipments or some, you know, financial incentives? That would help you live like a king, and it would reduce a lot of suffering.

Kim: I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will.

Trump: Come on, Mr. Kim. We need to accomplish something here. I can’t go back to Washington empty handed.

Kim: I guess that’s why they call it the blues.

Trump: Say, what if you come to the United States and saw what a great country we have. The greatest. You would enjoy meeting our people.

Kim: I’m not a present for your friends to open.

Trump: Listen, you tiny dancer, the U.S. military is very strong. If we wanted to force you to cooperate, it wouldn’t go well for you. We could obliterate all your cities and military bases. If you somehow survived the attack, you’d be thrown out of power.

Kim: I’m still standing.

Trump: Okay, I tried being nice. Now we do it my way. We’re going to impose all sorts of nasty sanctions on you if you don’t give up your nuclear ambitions. After a few weeks, you’ll be begging us to call it off.

Kim: I think it’s going to be a long, long time.

Trump: I’ve had it with you, Kim. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t go home?

Kim: Get back, honky cat.


Welcome to the Hysteria Channel


It’s big, it’s bold, it’s chock full of Fake News.

Today I am unveiling a new cable network, The Hysteria Channel, which will titillate viewers with loosely researched episodes depicting conspiracies and secret societies throughout man’s time on Earth.


Sure, some TV networks purport to recount history. Others offer us Fake News programs one after the other. But this new channel goes far beyond, documenting the worst in human endeavor over the ages. Here are some of the episodes planned for Season 1:

INTERNMENT CAMPS: History books tell us that the U.S. government forced people of Japanese ancestry into crowded camps to prevent them from acting against this country during World War II. Our investigation proves that this is far from the truth. Instead, our forward-thinking leaders went out and found people of Asian descent who showed promise in math and the sciences. Instead of prison camps, they were installed in comfortable settings where they started work on modern computers and the Internet.

WATER FLUORIDATION: Yes, most municipalities added chemicals to our drinking water starting in the 1940s. But no, the chemicals were not designed to strengthen our teeth and deter cavities. The subtances were designed to control our minds, to make us susceptible to propaganda. The greatest proof came in 1969 when a majority of the population actually believed that humans set foot on the moon.

THE BERLIN WALL: The effects of the chemicals began to wear off by 1989, but not before a much-publicized November evening in which average people were photographed knocking down sections of The Berlin Wall. The so-called wall, which was designed to keep people from escaping East Germany for West Germany, was never built because of budget cuts. Instead, the East Germans erected a fake barrier out of painted paper and cardboard left over from World War II munitions shipments. The photos of people supposedly busting up the wall were shot at crumbling sections of the Great Wall of China.


OBAMA: Much was made about the proposition that Barack Obama, our first African American president, was born in Kenya. Our investigation has proven his Kenyan birth certificate to be a fake. In reality, Obama was born on Ganymede, a moon of Jupiter, to a space alien couple visiting the solar system to determine how to destroy our civilization. How else can you explain the abomination of Obamacare?

ELECTION MEDDLING: Some members of the so-called intelligence community have claimed that Russian hackers—acting on their own or possibly with the direction of top Russian leaders—tried to influence the 2016 elections. Newly released texts prove that two FBI agents invented the whole thing to try to divert attention from their illicit affair. These are the same two agents who set up a secret society to try to fire President Donald Trump. Lock them up!

Have any ideas of your own for episodes that will depict conspiracies and cover-ups? Send your ideas to this blog. And don’t bother trying to disguise your identity. We know who you are and where you live!

Take the Fake News Quiz


Welcome to the October Fake News Quiz, in which we challenge our readers (or, some months, our reader) to determine which of these news items are true and which are fake. Here is this month’s lineup. Good luck.


  1. Drew and Jonathan Scott, aka the Property Brothers on HGTV, are actually robots built by craftspersons working for the network. After trying unsuccessfully to cast a pair of human brothers with the necessary skills, Hollywood looks and aw-shucks demeanor, the HGTV team spent months secretly perfecting this pair of androids. The first attempts failed; the bad bots were re-purposed for other shows, notably the unfortunate remake of “Will & Grace.” Now that the robotic Property Brothers are fixtures on all-day TV, they are demanding better salaries and perks, like an upgrade from diesel fuel to refined plutonium.
  2. Aloof Acres, a gated community in the Hamptons, is offering buyers of new multi-million-dollar homes the option of additional utilities that will bring liquor directly into the residences. Along with water, gas and electricity, purchasers can choose from pipelines delivering scotch, bourbon, gin, vodka and–for the kiddies—chocolate milk. The meters can monitor the commodities remotely because electronic sensors measure consumption right down to the molecule. Temperature controls do pump up the price tags of these consumables, experts point out. However, as the president of the homeowners’ association puts it, “Don’t judge us just because we are rich and frequently drunk. Someone has to set standards.”
  3. Yoga for Pets, the franchise created by an out-of-work Zeppelin polisher and his wife in their Toledo, Ohio, basement, has spread to 43 states plus much of Europe and several of those countries that end in “-istan.” The secret to the success of the business is getting the pets’ owners to leave and not watch what happens during the yoga sessions. It would be too painful for the owners to realize how little their pets need them and how relaxed the animals become once the lights go down, the music comes on and it’s time to streettttcccchhhh. The business does have some mixed classes (dogs and cats); however cats and birds are required to take separate classes after several unfortunate incidents.
  4. Marijuana stores in the states where recreational use of pot is legal keep selling out of the new strain of dope that improves memory and decreases appetite. Most varieties of marijuana are known for impairing the memories of users, sometimes causing sleepiness. And, of course, most strains cause users to want to eat things that they otherwise would never think of consuming, like dippin’ dots and that carton of leftover Chinese food that has been in the back of the fridge for weeks. I mean, don’t even think of opening it. It could be—I’m sorry, what were we talking about? Oh God, I’m so hungry. I could almost eat quinoa. Oh, no, I think this is the wrong….
  5. The Unites States remains the only large developed country where military-style weapons and ammunition are allowed in virtually unlimited quantities in the hands of almost any resident, including nut jobs and potential terrorists. Despite the fact that a majority of Americans favor modest controls on the kinds of powerful killing machines that were never imagined by the backers of the Second Amendment to the Constitution, the National Rifle Association and the members of Congress they control through threats and contributions continue to ignore the will of the people. And every week, more Americans are shot to death needlessly, including children.

ANSWERS: Of course, all five of these items are fake. Who would believe any of them?!

End the Health Care Impasse


Americans are fed up with the failure of Congress to agree on a plan to eviscerate Obamacare. Fed up, I say! So let’s compare alternative solutions for ending the impasse and get on with it.

Please let me know which one of these options that you think is best. Then we’ll call Congress—call Congress, I say!—and tell them which bill one we, the American people, demand that they pass.


TRIAL BY COMBAT: Let each political party choose its champion, put them in an arena, and let them fight it out to the death or until one concedes. Let’s assume that the chosen combatants are Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi. I’m not sure which one is meaner, but it’s high time we found out.

THE STATE FAIR: Remember when you petted cute goats and ogled your neighbor’s ribbon-winning apple pies? Me neither. But some people go to state fairs. We could rent a booth and display all the competing health care bills for the judges to poke and sniff and pass their judgment.

BATTLE OF THE ROBOTS: Kind of like trial by combat, but this time we could use robots. There would be 38 of them—one for each version of the Republican health care plan that has been put forth so far. The robot with the most effective health plan would surely survive onslaughts from the others and come out victorious.

GAME SHOW: I know that reality television and the leadership of our country seem like they do not mix, but why not have a “Price Is Right,” “Jeopardy,” or even–dare I say it–an “Apprentice” episode devoted to picking the best health care bill. No Congressional Budget Office personnel would be eligible. (“I’ll take Trashing Medicaid for 400 Billion, Alex.”)

PIN THE TAIL ON THE… Donkey, or Elephant. Whichever you prefer. Draw lines all over the chosen animal and fill in each resulting section with a different health plan. Then blindfold your favorite senator and have him or her take a stab at it. Literally. And let’s leave the blindfold on for the rest of his or her term.

FOREIGN INTERVENTION: I hear that the Israelis and Palestinians are willing to sit down and negotiate a peace deal among warring members of Congress. It’s that bad.

THE EASY WAY OUT: Just change a few words and add a few commas here and there in the Obamacare law. Then claim that it has been repealed and replaced. Everyone goes home a winner. A winner, I say!

Kicking Off My Bucket List


I have no plan to die anytime soon. But I have been thinking lately about my mortality and all the things I want to do before I pass on. So here’s a first crack at a bucket list. I’d like to hear about what is important to you. Maybe you’ll persuade me to amend my list.


Here goes:

  1. Visit Egypt

I want to cruise the Nile River and tour the pyramids. But mostly I want to get confronted by terrorists and punch one in the face. Might as well go out swinging.

  1. See One Washington Sports Team Win Something

The baseball, football, hockey and basketball teams in D.C.—well, most of them—are pretty good at times. Until it comes to the playoffs. Then they melt like butter. Just once….

  1. All the Stuff Steve Martin Wished For

Remember that terrific “Saturday Night Live” Christmas skit? The one in which he wishes that all the little children could hold hands in harmony—and a few other things. I want all that. You can watch the skit here.

  1. Three Straight Spring Days Without Rain

It hasn’t happened. It probably never will. I’m getting used to talking my daily walk in the rain. But please, just three days.

  1. Be a Contestant on “Celebrity Stalker”

Okay, there is no such show. But there should be. And when there is, I want to compete for cash or prizes by stalking some overrated, overpaid actor or model on some obscure cable channel.

  1. Grow a 50-Pound Tomato

My garden is a source of great spiritual satisfaction, not to mention vegetables, fruit and flowers. And my gardening book won two awards. Still, there’s got to be some new challenge to keep me covered in mud year after year. So that’s my goal.

  1. Discover Clothes That Don’t Shrink

First of all, it seems ridiculous that a guy can wear the same clothes over and over and they wear out after a mere 10 or 15 years. But the fact that the waistlines on my pants keep shrinking—even without them being washed—is just too much.

  1. Find a Use for Laundry Lint

Speaking of washing, this thing about laundry lint is really bothering me. We pull it out of the dryer and just toss it in the trash. That’s millions of tons of useless waste filling our landfills every day. There are people devoted to cutting down on plastic that enters our oceans and other goody-goody projects. They should find something to do with laundry lint. Maybe they can turn it into, I don’t know, laundry.

  1. Discover a Cure for Sarcasm

Some people tell me that they never know when I’m being serious and when I’m being sarcastic. I tell them: It’s easy. I’m never serious and I’m always sarcastic. But now I hear that there might be a cure for sarcasm that involves only a partial lobotomy. Sign me up.

  1. Have a Real President Again

Forget the other nine bucket list items. I don’t even care that much whether the next president is a Democrat, Republican, Independent, Vegetarian or Philatelist. I just want a president who surrounds himself or herself with good people and listens to their advice. And doesn’t start any wars.

The Gettysburg Address–Trump Style


President Trump has his own take on history. Recently, he asked rhetorically why there was a Civil War and why President Andrew Jackson could not prevent it from happening. All of which makes me wonder what the Gettysburg Address might have sounded like had Trump been president in 1863. Here is the most likely version, Twitter-compatible:


Eighty-seven years ago we completed a leveraged buyout of America from Britain. It wasn’t the best deal. We should have demanded Bermuda, and the Falkland Islands. But the important thing is that we won. Bigly.

I inherited this Civil War. It’s a mess. Look at this battlefield. Look at all these graves. Sad. Very sad. So many people lost, people who worked jobs and voted. A very important state. You love me here.

The world will little note, nor long remember, what I say here. Wait. Who wrote that? You there with the handlebar moustache? You’re fired!

The world will remember forever what I say here. And what I say is: It is for the living to make sure that these brave soldiers did not die in vain. We must win the war. We will win the war. We will crush the enemy. Wipe them out. Totally. The mother of all victories.

We will make America great again. So that the government of Trump, by Trump and for Trump shall not perish from the earth.

Want Health Care? Get in Line, Soldier


President Trump and leading congressional Republicans have settled on health care legislation that would provide low-cost coverage in exchange for intensive public service, the In Sight blog has learned.

gop health

That public service will require extreme manual labor, which contributes to good health. The alternatives for this public service were still in the “conceptual stage” when this Fake News blog was being written, but an unidentified source with little or no knowledge of the actual GOP discussions said that these are among the options that Americans will be able to choose from:

SERVANTS: Citizens will be able to sign a contract of indentured servitude, requiring that they become servants for rich people. Serving drinks, rubbing sore feet, stoking fires, refilling sherry decanters, cleaning bathrooms and serving more drinks will be among the tasks. Servants with high IQs will help their masters cheat on their taxes.

SOLDIERS: Those with good eyesight and questionable morals will be sent to the front lines in the wars in Syria and North Korea. Freeze-dried daily food rations will be supplied at a reduced cost to these brave public servants. Those who survive will be given the same quality of veterans benefits that today’s veterans enjoy.

CLEAN ENERGY: Americans will be detailed to walk in circles pushing turbines to generate electricity for energy-intensive wide-screen televisions and other devices for the affluent. Even senior citizens with walkers will be able to contribute in this manner.

TRANSPORTATION: Want a sea voyage in exchange for cheap health coverage? Sign up for the galley option and get strapped in with the rest of the rowing crews as they propel military vessels across the seven seas. Watch out for that whip.

CONSTRUCTION: A large number of Americans will be needed to build the wall separating Mexico and the U.S. At first, volunteers will threaten private landowners who refuse to donate their property. Next they will battle coyotes and cougars and fell massive trees as they clear the land. Finally they will carry construction materials on their backs to get that wall done.

SECURITY: Here’s where children and small adults will get their chance to contribute. They will crawl through hollow walls and other confined spaces in the Trump Tower, the White House and other federal buildings to systematically remove all the wiretaps planted by the shameless Obama Administration in its final, bitter days.