End the Health Care Impasse

BY STEVE BATES

Americans are fed up with the failure of Congress to agree on a plan to eviscerate Obamacare. Fed up, I say! So let’s compare alternative solutions for ending the impasse and get on with it.

Please let me know which one of these options that you think is best. Then we’ll call Congress—call Congress, I say!—and tell them which bill one we, the American people, demand that they pass.

TRIAL BY COMBAT: Let each political party choose its champion, put them in an arena, and let them fight it out to the death or until one concedes. Let’s assume that the chosen combatants are Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi. I’m not sure which one is meaner, but it’s high time we found out.

THE STATE FAIR: Remember when you petted cute goats and ogled your neighbor’s ribbon-winning apple pies? Me neither. But some people go to state fairs. We could rent a booth and display all the competing health care bills for the judges to poke and sniff and pass their judgment.

BATTLE OF THE ROBOTS: Kind of like trial by combat, but this time we could use robots. There would be 38 of them—one for each version of the Republican health care plan that has been put forth so far. The robot with the most effective health plan would surely survive onslaughts from the others and come out victorious.

GAME SHOW: I know that reality television and the leadership of our country seem like they do not mix, but why not have a “Price Is Right,” “Jeopardy,” or even–dare I say it–an “Apprentice” episode devoted to picking the best health care bill. No Congressional Budget Office personnel would be eligible. (“I’ll take Trashing Medicaid for 400 Billion, Alex.”)

PIN THE TAIL ON THE… Donkey, or Elephant. Whichever you prefer. Draw lines all over the chosen animal and fill in each resulting section with a different health plan. Then blindfold your favorite senator and have him or her take a stab at it. Literally. And let’s leave the blindfold on for the rest of his or her term.

FOREIGN INTERVENTION: I hear that the Israelis and Palestinians are willing to sit down and negotiate a peace deal among warring members of Congress. It’s that bad.

THE EASY WAY OUT: Just change a few words and add a few commas here and there in the Obamacare law. Then claim that it has been repealed and replaced. Everyone goes home a winner. A winner, I say!

Kicking Off My Bucket List

BY STEVE BATES

I have no plan to die anytime soon. But I have been thinking lately about my mortality and all the things I want to do before I pass on. So here’s a first crack at a bucket list. I’d like to hear about what is important to you. Maybe you’ll persuade me to amend my list.

Here goes:

10. Visit Egypt

I want to cruise the Nile River and tour the pyramids. But mostly I want to get confronted by terrorists and punch one in the face. Might as well go out swinging.

9. See One Washington Sports Team Win Something

The baseball, football, hockey and basketball teams in D.C.—well, most of them—are pretty good at times. Until it comes to the playoffs. Then they melt like butter. Just once….

8. All the Stuff Steve Martin Wished For

Remember that terrific “Saturday Night Live” Christmas skit? The one in which he wishes that all the little children could hold hands in harmony—and a few other things. I want all that. You can watch the skit here.

7. Three Straight Spring Days Without Rain

It hasn’t happened. It probably never will. I’m getting used to talking my daily walk in the rain. But please, just three days.

6. Be a Contestant on “Celebrity Stalker”

Okay, there is no such show. But there should be. And when there is, I want to compete for cash or prizes by stalking some overrated, overpaid actor or model on some obscure cable channel.

5. Grow a 50-Pound Tomato

My garden is a source of great spiritual satisfaction, not to mention vegetables, fruit and flowers. And my gardening book won two awards. Still, there’s got to be some new challenge to keep me covered in mud year after year. So that’s my goal.

4. Discover Clothes That Don’t Shrink

First of all, it seems ridiculous that a guy can wear the same clothes over and over and they wear out after a mere 10 or 15 years. But the fact that the waistlines on my pants keep shrinking—even without them being washed—is just too much.

3. Find a Use for Laundry Lint

Speaking of washing, this thing about laundry lint is really bothering me. We pull it out of the dryer and just toss it in the trash. That’s millions of tons of useless waste filling our landfills every day. There are people devoted to cutting down on plastic that enters our oceans and other goody-goody projects. They should find something to do with laundry lint. Maybe they can turn it into, I don’t know, laundry.

2. Discover a Cure for Sarcasm

Some people tell me that they never know when I’m being serious and when I’m being sarcastic. I tell them: It’s easy. I’m never serious and I’m always sarcastic. But now I hear that there might be a cure for sarcasm that involves only a partial lobotomy. Sign me up.

1. Have a Real President Again

Forget the other nine bucket list items. I don’t even care that much whether the next president is a Democrat, Republican, Independent, Vegetarian or Philatelist. I just want a president who surrounds himself or herself with good people and listens to their advice. And doesn’t start any wars.

The Gettysburg Address–Trump Style

BY STEVE BATES

President Trump has his own take on history. Recently, he asked rhetorically why there was a Civil War and why President Andrew Jackson could not prevent it from happening. All of which makes me wonder what the Gettysburg Address might have sounded like had Trump been president in 1863. Here is the most likely version, Twitter-compatible:

Eighty-seven years ago we completed a leveraged buyout of America from Britain. It wasn’t the best deal. We should have demanded Bermuda, and the Falkland Islands. But the important thing is that we won. Bigly.

I inherited this Civil War. It’s a mess. Look at this battlefield. Look at all these graves. Sad. Very sad. So many people lost, people who worked jobs and voted. A very important state. You love me here.

The world will little note, nor long remember, what I say here. Wait. Who wrote that? You there with the handlebar moustache? You’re fired!

The world will remember forever what I say here. And what I say is: It is for the living to make sure that these brave soldiers did not die in vain. We must win the war. We will win the war. We will crush the enemy. Wipe them out. Totally. The mother of all victories.

We will make America great again. So that the government of Trump, by Trump and for Trump shall not perish from the earth.

Want Health Care? Get in Line, Soldier

BY STEVE BATES

President Trump and leading congressional Republicans have settled on health care legislation that would provide low-cost coverage in exchange for intensive public service, the In Sight blog has learned.

That public service will require extreme manual labor, which contributes to good health. The alternatives for this public service were still in the “conceptual stage” when this Fake News blog was being written, but an unidentified source with little or no knowledge of the actual GOP discussions said that these are among the options that Americans will be able to choose from:

SERVANTS: Citizens will be able to sign a contract of indentured servitude, requiring that they become servants for rich people. Serving drinks, rubbing sore feet, stoking fires, refilling sherry decanters, cleaning bathrooms and serving more drinks will be among the tasks. Servants with high IQs will help their masters cheat on their taxes.

SOLDIERS: Those with good eyesight and questionable morals will be sent to the front lines in the wars in Syria and North Korea. Freeze-dried daily food rations will be supplied at a reduced cost to these brave public servants. Those who survive will be given the same quality of veterans benefits that today’s veterans enjoy.

CLEAN ENERGY: Americans will be detailed to walk in circles pushing turbines to generate electricity for energy-intensive wide-screen televisions and other devices for the affluent. Even senior citizens with walkers will be able to contribute in this manner.

TRANSPORTATION: Want a sea voyage in exchange for cheap health coverage? Sign up for the galley option and get strapped in with the rest of the rowing crews as they propel military vessels across the seven seas. Watch out for that whip.

CONSTRUCTION: A large number of Americans will be needed to build the wall separating Mexico and the U.S. At first, volunteers will threaten private landowners who refuse to donate their property. Next they will battle coyotes and cougars and fell massive trees as they clear the land. Finally they will carry construction materials on their backs to get that wall done.

SECURITY: Here’s where children and small adults will get their chance to contribute. They will crawl through hollow walls and other confined spaces in the Trump Tower, the White House and other federal buildings to systematically remove all the wiretaps planted by the shameless Obama Administration in its final, bitter days.

The Genius of Donald Trump

BY STEVE BATES

This is very hard for me to say, so I’ll come right out with it: Donald Trump is the smartest president I have seen in my lifetime. Considering that I am a hard-core liberal and voted against Trump, this constitutes a major turnaround for me–and one that is very hard to admit.

My epiphany is based solidly on the evidence. Consider these policies and actions of the 45^th president:

THE WALL: Not only does Trump plan to build a border wall that could cost upward of $20 billion, he plans to pay for in part by weakening other parts of our national security, such as the TSA and Coast Guard. What this means is that instead of relatively poor Mexicans trying to cross the border into our country to make a better life for their children, the people coming into the U.S. illegally will be arriving by planes and ships. That will bring a richer, higher-class brand of terrorists who will contribute to the national economy before committing their heinous crimes.

FOREIGN POLICY: North Korea is just itching for a fight, firing missiles in the general direction of Japan and promising to destroy American military bases in that country. It has even claimed that, eventually, it will start blowing up our West Coast. What has the president done in response? He kept eating his overcooked steak at his country club in Florida, and he has said nothing publicly. The man tweets about everything he sees on Fox News, but direct military threats from a dangerous country merit no comment? Clearly, he is being sly. One morning soon an unsuspecting North Korea will be reduced to radioactive slag.

GUNS: A recent presidential order ensures that mentally ill Americans can get guns. And Trump has failed to take any action that would limit access to firearms by people on the terror watch list. Clearly, the president is setting them up. He wants these folks to show their hands—and weapons—so that he can round them up and start the waterboarding.

HEALTH CARE: Trump and his fellow Republicans in the House and Senate have crafted legislation that is quite amazing. It manages to help the rich at the expense of the poor while angering conservatives who feel that it gives the poor too much. At the same time, it removes what few incentives remained for major private insurance companies to participate. Only the smartest minds in government could have devised such a brain-dead proposal.

RUSSIA: Some very suspicious people have suggested that Trump has a man-crush on Putin and hesitates to criticize Russia. They have it wrong. Trump doesn’t love Russia; he loves the old Soviet Union. After he conquers Canada, Mexico and a few Central American countries whose names he can’t even pronounce, he’ll have an empire that will outshine the best that the Soviets ever managed.

WIRETAPPING: Claiming that Barack Obama ordered secret and illegal surveillance of Trump in his modest New York City home was the most brilliant move of all by the new president. Clearly, Trump wants everyone to think that he is mentally unsound. So, when the IRS finds that he cheated on his taxes, or when Wikileaks proves that he is cheated on his taxes or is indebted to Russia, he can cop an insanity plea and get out of any legal trouble he might encounter.

The Bald Truth About Executive Orders

Much attention has been paid to the most controversial orders of the young Trump Administration, such as the one limiting travel to the U.S. from several countries that the president and his national security advisors have labeled “very naughty.” However, President Trump signed other important executive orders during his first two weeks in office. Most of them received little or no publicity.

As a public service, the In Sight blog provides the complete text of these executive orders:

HAIR LOSS

The $1 billion that was designated for the worthless Joe Biden cancer moon shot will be transferred instead to a new effort to find cures for hair loss and techniques for hair regrowth in aging white men. It’s going to be huge.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

Moving clocks ahead one hour and back one hour is tedious and, frankly, useless. Instead, effective immediately, the sun is ordered to shine one hour more every day.

ALTERNATIVE FACTS

A Bureau of Alternative Facts is hereby created within the Department of Redundancy Department. It will provide the press and the public with better ways to measure things. For example, monthly economic reports will always be positive. Do I make myself clear?

THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE

Arnold, you tried, but beneath that tough surface, you’re a wimp. You’re fired. Clint Eastwood has the job now. Make my day.

FREDERICK DOUGLASS

In commemoration of Black History Month—and it’s a really great month, by the way, really great—I am inviting Frederick Douglass to the White House to watch the Super Bowl and talk about The Blacks. The Blacks really love me, by the way.

MEXICO WALL

Large, New York-based construction empires are invited to bid on construction of the border wall. Project plans with casinos and hotels built into the wall will be given very, very high priority, if you catch my drift.

BEYONCE

Beyonce’s baby will be named MAGA, for Make America Great Again. Enough said.

CLIMATE CHANGE

There has been too much talk about this mythical phenomenon, which all the scientists tell me is a Chinese hoax. Probably it’s a phrase someone found in one of those fortune cookies they give out at the Peking Tom down on 44^th Street, which has really good General Tso’s Chicken, by the way. Who is this General Tso, anyway? Is he sort of like the Chinese Colonel Sanders? Somebody look that up.

TIGER WOODS

Tiger, you were the best. But you’ve lost it, my friend. Bad back? Hah. We know it’s too many late nights with too many white women. Time to give up tournament play, my friend. You can make a living teaching golf to rich widows in Florida. They’ll take care of you in their wills, too. By the way, seen the kids lately?

STEVE BANNON

In recognition of the significant contributions of my trusted advisor on national security matters, I hereby direct him never to smile. I don’t think he has smiled before in his life. I just want to make it official.

SUPREME COURT

The U.S. government, within 90 days, will purchase a private island in the Caribbean where designated liberal justices of the U.S. Supreme Court can retire in total bliss. No income taxes; all expenses paid; private yachts; free cable if it’s available, as long as it gets the New York stations. Wait, not Fox. And not CNN. Scrap that cable thing. Make it free pay-per-view movies. And did I mention free one-way air fare out of the U.S.? It’s a deal they can’t refuse.

Government by Tweet

BY STEVE BATES

We have entered the age of government by tweet. President-Elect Donald Trump has already perfected the strategy of cranking out a 140-character message at any hour to change the way that the wheels of power spin.

What if great leaders of the past had been forced to communicate in this manner? Would they have found Twitter too restrictive? Or could they have adapted to the format?

As it turns out, a few great men and women were ahead of their time in this regard. Consider the short message that Julius Caesar dashed off to the Roman Senate after he had achieved a quick victory in the Battle of Zela.

 

JCaesar                                             47 BC

I came. I saw. I conquered.

 

What could be more concise? By the way, historians still debate whether Battle of Zela was an actual military conflict or a prototype video game.

Nearly two millennia later, a bunch of rebels hunched over a wooden desk in sunny Philadelphia crafted the following missive.

 

JAdams                                             4 July 1776

When in the course of human events…. Hmm. On second thought, let’s get right to it. We’re mad as hell, Great Britain, and we’re not going to take it anymore.

 

Soon thereafter came the task of writing the U.S. Constitution. This effort required great thought to preserve important rights and establish effective governance. However, our Founding Parents were able to compress the document quite skillfully.

 

TJefferson                                                  13 Sept 1787

Free speech and religion. Lots of guns. No self-incrimination. President, Congress and Courts (please try to get along). We’ll figure out that slavery thing later.

 

Alas, that last part turned out to be a mistake. In the midst of the Civil War, one of our greatest presidents journeyed to Gettysburg, Pa., to lament the loss of life and to give this inspiring speech.

 

ALincoln                                           19 Nov 1863

87 years ago we became a country. The men buried here died so we could keep it one. Let’s stick together, people.

 

Of course, we continued to fight war after war. Yet one of the biggest threats to our existence came not in a declared war but in the Cuban missile crisis of 1962. Who could forget President Kennedy’s stirring message to Nikita Khrushchev.

 

JFK                                                     20 Oct 1962

Get those missiles out now, Niki, or Fidel’s little island will glow in the dark for the next 10,000 years.

 

Life in the U.S. was pretty sweet after that until some folks tried to change health care and enacted the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare. Here’s how they put it into effect:

 

DCDems                                            21 Mar 2010

Health insurance for everybody, or pay a fine. Pre-existing conditions covered. Get financial aid for premiums–well, some of you. Have lots of choices for plans and doctors–except in most states. But it’s really good, trust us.

 

What can we expect in the future? Maybe something like this:

DTrump                                             1 Feb 2017

My laptop won’t boot. I’m getting Mister Rogers reruns instead of CNN. Everything’s been hacked. Get Vlad on the hotline!