Because You Asked…

BY STEVE BATES

It’s time for another installment of “Because You Asked”, in which I answer your tough questions. I must add a caveat, however. No, a caveat is not a form of men’s neckware. It’s a … never mind. (I should just ignore my lawyer when he tells me that I need to tell readers DO NOT ATTEMPT any advice I offer.)

Keep those crucial questions coming. Here we go….

Yes, but only between consenting adults, and only in places like Amsterdam and at small colleges in the American South. And please lock the door and put on some loud music to block the awful noise.

No, leave the jack up before taking the wheel off the rim. I said—no, leave the jack up! Noooo!!!

Yes, Emperor Palpatine was a nasty guy. But remember, before he became emperor and made it clear that he favored the Dark Side, he was a Senator. His original name was Mitch McConnell.

It’s baking powder, not baking soda. And no, it’s not explosive. I think.

I do not recommend going to the Emergency Room because of the danger of your condition spreading. Instead, text me with your exact address, barricade yourself in the basement, and I’ll contact military authorities, who will drop and extreme amount of explosives there and cordon off a five-mile perimeter around the crater.

Before I answer your question, let me ask you one: Does it really matter if the light is on inside your refrigerator after you close the door? I mean how much electricity does it take? You waste at least that much growing those plants in the closet that you keep locked.

No, Bryce Harper has not had hair implants. They have tried giving him personality implants, but they didn’t take.

Ha! About the same time that we get safe self-driving cars. Which will be long after Hell freezes over.

No, that dress does not make you look fat.

You’re supposed to sniff the glue, not drink it. There’s the danger that your mouth will get closed up permanently. Say, maybe that isn’t such a bad idea.

It was banned in California by Mission priests, but only until 1834, because some waltzers had the audacity to touch in public.

No, it doesn’t happen to all men, and it really is a big problem.

White House Issues Guidelines on Cannibalism

BY STEVE BATES

The Trump Administration today released new guidelines on cannibalism because of the damaging effects of the coronavirus on the U.S. meatpacking industry.

Some meat processing plants are closed temporarily because of a shortage of healthy, willing workers. Supplies of fresh and frozen beef, chicken, pork, emu, ostrich, possum, squirrel, woodchuck and other edible animals are scarce. In addition, greedy, thoughtless Democrats have been clearing supermarket shelves and hoarding meat items so that others in greater need cannot find them and therefore risk starvation.

In what the White House called a “sad but predictable American tradition,” some people are turning to cannibalism to ensure that their dietary needs are met.

“We don’t suggest that Americans eating other Americans should be the first option,” said President Donald J. Trump. “In fact, we would prefer that such actions be a last resort.”

Top government officials suggested these alternatives to cannibalism:

• Cooking cherished family pets. “Give them a kind going-away ceremony,” suggested Vice President Mike Pence. “Make it a special event, and a bonding experience, for the whole family.”
• Chewing on leather clothing and car seats. “A little A1 steak sauce helps,” noted Trump.
• Eating every other day. “Try drinking heavily on the days you can’t eat,” said Pence. “Keep in mind that beer meets most nutritional needs.”
• Consuming vegetables and grains. “Aw, who are we kidding?” said Trump. “Not going to happen.”

Administration officials conceded that these steps will not work for everyone. Therefore, they said, consider these suggestions for consuming human flesh:

• Avoid eating people who have contracted the coronavirus, “unless they are asymptomatic or in the very early stages,” said Pence.
• Avoid eating people who have been dead more than five days. “The health dangers to the eater begin multiply,” said Trump, though he noted that maggots make a fine dish prepared with a white wine sauce. “Excellent. Really tremendous.”
• Avoid murdering healthy people, particularly wealthy Republicans. “I hate to say it,” said the president, “but this might be one time when illegal immigrants might be of some use. Just make sure you don’t get caught.”
• For snacks, try bits of some of your least valuable organs. “Who really needs two kidneys?” said Pence.
• Avoid old people. “They tend to be tough and stringy,” said Trump. “And, they tend to vote Republican, so we need them alive until Election Day.”
• Seek volunteers from friends and family members. If that fails, draw straws or try Russian Roulette to determine the person who will be sacrificed for the greater good.

We’re Not Here for You

BY STEVE BATES

As CEO of GigantiCorp, I feel it is my duty to bombard you with e-mails and smarmy TV ads informing you about what my company is doing for you in these extremely difficult times.

In short: Nothing.

You might have heard that we fired most of our 75,000 worldwide employees in early March. Once again, this action demonstrated how prescient our executives are in spotting trends and reacting diligently, far sooner than our pitiful competitors. Some misinformed people and hateful journalists portrayed this action as cruel and unnecessary. In reality, we spared these workers from the dangers of working in close quarters in our factories and warehouses, where disease spreads so readily. As you might have read, our facilities lack of proper ventilation, and employees are required to touch their faces in an act of obedience every time they see a supervisor. (The fact their leaders carry whips is irrelevant. Those are for scaring rats away from valuable products.)

You can be assured that our products and services will continue to be available, though at massively inflated prices. Many of the millions of ventilators, face shields and N95 protective masks we have stockpiled in our warehouses around the world are destined for the black market, but we will allow U.S. states to bid against one another feverishly—I like that word—for the few dregs we will release to the general public.

Some of the employees we retained are working 24/7 in a concealed “back room” executing timely scams related to the Chinese Virus. They are seated close enough to each other to touch elbows and other appendages; we view this as a way to boost camaraderie.

Our consulting services will also continue, though on a limited basis. Only employees already infected and showing symptoms will be available for site visits. Please go to our website to schedule these visits while the consultants can still draw breaths.

Some of you have asked about my welfare and that of my family. I can assure you that I am struggling with the implications of the Chinese Virus just like you are. When my friends in Congress alerted me and other top GigantiCorp executives in January that a horrendous pandemic was coming, I, like them, had reservations about dumping millions of dollars in petroleum stocks as well as selling off my restaurants and retail operations. In addition, I was forced to deal with the significant burden deciding where to re-invest my ill-gotten profits.

Ultimately, my purchase of a secret, pristine private island in the South Pacific turned out to be a prudent investment. I am retiring there with a select number of my former wives and my children—the ones whose names I can remember. Mines protect the island form intruders on all sides, and a missile defense system should be able to handle any other uninvited guests.

I must add that I can relate to those of you who believe that the Chinese Virus is merely a hoax or is a product of bitter, loser Democrats and their allies in the Deep State. To you true believers I can only say: There is a bridge in Brooklyn that I would like to sell you.

A Child’s Letter to Santa

Dear Santa.

I have been verry gude this year. I would like you to brng me some dirt. Specilly, dirt on the Bidens.

That would be coole cause the guys who werk in this bilding say I can expect a peach mint soon. I don’t like mints, specilly peach mints. Already they tell me I have a probblem with molu mints. I nevver hear of molu mints. They sound spensive.

They are even talking bout a trial. I don’t want a trial. I can’t sit stil for long, specially wif peopl watching me. My bon spurs hurt. And my hare starts to wilt. Thank you for sending me that hare coloor last Xmas. Come to think of it, it was kinda peach coloor. Maybe a differnt coloor this year.

Joe Biden is the baddest guy. Don’t brng him nothing gude. He sent lots of emales this year, which we all knowe Hillary did and so it must be bad. And his friends work at a piza place in the city wheere they do bad things to kids. And his son shoots wild annimals, I think. They call him a hunterr.

The peopl in You Krane are verry bad two. They have lots of dirt on the Bidens and won’t give it two me. The Bidens are soo dirty that they haf to take too baths evry day! But pleas give me some of that dirt so I can spred it.

Obama is verry bad two. He tried to make peopl go to docters. I don’t like docters. They tell me I am two fat. So get rid of docters pleas this year.

One moer thing Santa. Peopl are verry unhapy now. We need to hep them. Can you pleas send us Jesus Christ again. He can hep verry much.

Becaus I think I need a new runing mate.

Thanks.

Donald J. Trump

I Am the Deep State

BY STEVE BATES

I am the Deep State. I am out to get Donald Trump. He will never find me.

I manipulated the transcript of a seemingly innocuous phone call to make it appear that there was some sort of improper motive in my effort to get Ukraine to root out corruption. In fact, it was the Deep State’s corruption that Ukraine is hiding, along with that of Quid Pro Joe Biden and Biden’s crooked son.

For years, I have buried my agents in the lamestream news media. Sleeper cells in all the major news networks—even Fox News—are now doing my bidding, as are well-groomed writers and editors at the failing liberal newspapers. The media are warping Trump’s words and deeds to suggest, if not outright claim, that he did something wrong.

There was one close call. A few years ago, brave Americans nearly uncovered my conspiracy to make sex slaves of children in the back of a Washington, D.C., pizza parlor. But I managed to whisk away the helpless children and the Democratic predators just in time.

The real Obama birth certificate.

In the minutes after the 2012 attack on our embassy in Benghazi, Libya, I cleansed the scene of evidence that should have incriminated Hillary Clinton for ordering that horrific assault on United States diplomats and other innocent people. I ignored the dying Americans in the process.

I stole and destroyed documents and bribed or threatened many an official to cover up the most heinous act of treason in the past century—the improper use of an email account by Hillary. That might have been my finest hour.

Getting Obamacare enacted was difficult, but because I had spent decades hiding loopholes in the rules and procedures for Congress, a small number of evil Democrats were able to push through this affront to all that is good and holy in this country. Who can measure the damage that has been inflicted on the U.S. by my insistence that people with pre-existing medical conditions have health coverage.

It was easy for me to produce a fraudulent birth certificate claiming that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii. Removing all the evidence of his actual birth in Kenya was more challenging, but there is nothing I will not do to protect the rich, atheist, socialist Democratic elites and punish the honest, hard-working, God-fearing Republicans of this country.

Having not the slightest fear of exposure, I caused the Great Recession, just because I could get away with it.

It was I who planted the Iran-Contra scandal in the Reagan administration, providing the only blemish on an otherwise glorious eight years of right-wing rule.

I persuaded the Japanese to attack Pearl Harbor. I sank American ships in countless wars. I danced with glee when brave men and women perished.

I am the deep State. I am out to get Donald Trump.

He will never find me, because I exist only in his mind.

Trump’s Ten Commandments

BY STEVE BATES

The following is the text of Executive Order 666 signed today President Trump, updating the Ten Commandments for contemporary needs.

1 You shall have no other presidents but me.

The restriction on serving two four-year terms is hereby eliminated.

2 You shall not make for yourself any idol, nor bow down to it or worship it.

Unless, of course, it is in my image.

3 You shall not misuse the name of the president.

It’s trademarked, you know. I am a franchise.

4 You shall remember and keep Election Day holy.

Registered Republicans who fail to vote face deportation to s—hole countries.

5 Respect your father and mother.

Unless they are Democrats.

6 You must not commit murder.

One exception: Me, on Fifth Avenue.

7 You must not commit adultery.

I, however, can run wild.

8 You must not steal.

Unless it’s an election, and I’m behind.

9 You must not give false evidence against your neighbor.

Exceptions allowed for grand jury testimony by my current and former cronies.

10 You must not be envious of your neighbor’s possessions.

However, the IRS has carte blanche. Especially against my enemies.

Freezing Illegal Immigration

BY STEVE BATES

The In Sight blog has been granted an exclusive tour of a prototype 800,000-square-foot migrant holding facility here in the boder town of Nogirlies, Texas. Our guide is ICE Interim Assistant Deputy Undersecretary Dudley Force.

“It’s awfully cold in here, Mr. Interim Assistant Deputy Undersecretary.”

“That’s because we have nearly 4,000 migrants frozen in these mammoth blocks of ice. We have to keep them from thawing. And you can just call me Interim.”

“Thanks, Interim. You can just call me the In Sight blog. Did I just hear you say that you have  people frozen in ice?”

New Kids in the Block

“Yes. We have a humanitarian crisis because so many people are arriving illegally. We tried keeping them in jails, in tents and in school gyms–even dumping them at McDonalds in the hope that they would get hired or simply hang out there indefinitely. There’s just too many migrants. And this border with the Evil Empire of Central America is ground zero.”

“Um, isn’t that Mexico right beyond that imaginary Wall?”

“Mexico. Central America. All the same. Bad hombres.”

“If you say so. Now, how does freezing people address the humanitarian crisis?”

“You and other Enemies of the State who write fake news have obsessed over our practice of separating children from their parents. Here, they remain in close proximity. Look, we’re thawing out a woman and her four children who are scheduled for a hearing on their spurious asylum claim. They’re far from separated.”

“Yes, I see that they are stuck together.”

“A temporary problem. We have staffers with blowtorches who can fix that.”

“Isn’t it dangerous to freeze people in ice?”

“You know, we didn’t think about that. We just saw a problem and decided to act decisively. Our president likes that kind of decision making.”

“Does it hurt when they are frozen and thawed out?

“Well, it might. But we have to do something to deter illegal immigration. And look: This family that has been frozen for three weeks looks as good as new. I’m sure that their vision and motor skills will return soon.”

“I notice that their skin has been bleached white by spending so much time in ice.”

“Just a fortunate side effect.”

“How did you come up with the idea of freezing migrants?”

“We are ICE, after all. We thought: Why not live up to the name?”

 “I heard a rumor that the president is going to tour this facility next week.”

“More fake news. Off the record, he keeps getting confused by the names ICE and ISIS.”

“What’s that siren for?”

“Head for the shelter! He must be bombing us again!”

Dear Graduates: Good Luck. You’ll Need It.

BY STEVE BATES

I am honored to be the featured speaker at today’s graduation ceremony here at Whatsamatta U. I hope that every one of you in the audience today enjoys a successful and rewarding future. But let’s face it, the chances of that happening are close to zero.

Let’s start with perhaps the biggest challenge you face: climate change. How many of you are engineers or environmental scientists? I count maybe four hands. That’s sad. Someone has to fix this problem. Heck, now that we know that wind turbines cause cancer, there are few options left that might slow or reverse the disastrous impact that humans are having on the planet.

It will take leadership. But look at the political environment today. We see increased polarization between the left and right in Washington. And that divide reflects an equally strong split among Americans in general. It seems like half the country are godless, fire-breathing, radical, hippie socialists who eat unborn babies, while the other half are evangelical, ultra-conservative, keep-your-hands-off-my-millions cave dwellers who eat dinner at 4:30.

What little leadership we have might soon be preoccupied with sending more Americans off to fight wars with North Korea, Iran and Mexico. Mexico? Got to stop those godless, fire-breathing, radical, hippie, socialist immigrants from sneaking into the country and stealing all those low-paying jobs that no one else will take.

Maybe, you think, these problems have little to do with you. Perhaps you are more concerned about paying the rent and those massive student loans. Ah, I see that the words “student loans” have gotten your attention—even from a few of you who had been dozing in the back. Well, I am here to announce that I intend to pay off none of your loans. Your problem.

As you try to establish your careers, avoid fentanyl overdoses and unwanted pregnancies, and generally find your places in this messed-up world, I offer this perspective: As bad as things are now, they can only get worse.

You might become the top hedge fund manager or establish new records in arena football. You might discover new cancer treatments or sell more paintings than Picasso. But along the way your knees and back will begin to ache, and before you know it you’ll be discussing things like long-term-care insurance and do-not-resuscitate orders.

I suspect that there is one burning question before you right now. Why in God’s name am I here giving this non-inspirational address today? The answer is twofold: One, I came cheap. And two, the administrators here at Whatsamatta U. decided that it would be best to feature a speaker who embodies everything that went wrong in the past several decades. As a Baby Boomer, I and my generation are totally responsible for f-ing up your world.

So, get out there and do just the opposite of what us old farts have done. It’s your only chance.

The Mueller Report Revealed

BY STEVE BATES

The “In Sight” blog has received an advance copy of the long-awaited Mueller Report, both the Redacted and Unredacted versions. Crucial excerpts are featured below. Each Redacted passage is followed by the original version as written by the Mueller team.

This blog is indebted to the courageous person who leaked this material for this worldwide scoop. This blog will never reveal its source. This blog is particularly insistent that the report was not leaked by former Robert Mueller assistant Fred, with whom we had several drinks last night. Don’t even think about Fred as being the source. Even though we picked up the tab and Fred needed help just to make it to the men’s room….

President Trump made no attempt to XXXXREDACTEDXXXX obstruct justice. XXXXREDACTEDXXXX. Trump is not XXXXREDACTEDXXXX a crook.

President Trump made no attempt to hide how fiercely he intended to obstruct justice. He acted blatantly and shamelessly by trying repeatedly to stop or limit this investigation. He admitted to Lester Holt on national television that his reason for firing then-FBI Director James Comey was that he was unhappy with the probe. When officials declined to follow his orders to try to cut short the investigation, he threatened or publicly humiliated them. Trump is not to be believed regarding this obstruction. He is clearly a crook.

The Russian Federation attempted to ensure XXXXREDACTEDXXXX a fair U.S. election in 2016. XXXXREDACTEDXXXX. There is no XXXXREDACTEDXXXX collusion or  conspiracy.

The Russian Federation attempted to ensure that Donald Trump won the presidential election. Russia utilized social media as well as other tactics to shift opinion to help Trump and hurt Hillary Clinton. Russia was determined to undermine our belief that it was possible to have a fair U.S. election in 2016. Members of the Trump family, the Trump campaign and Trump organization met with repeatedly with nefarious Russian agents to ensure that Trump would win. There was clear coordination of the release of stolen Democratic emails to undermine the Clinton campaign. There is no evidence that Donald Trump and his minions were the least bit ashamed of collusion or conspiracy.

Money laundering by the Trump organization XXXXREDACTEDXXXX could not have happened.

Money laundering by the Trump organization is a longstanding practice. After banks around the globe realized that the Trump brand was synonymous with bankruptcy, the Trumps turned to shady and downright illegal sources of financing. Much of this came from Russian oligarchs with close ties to President Putin. Without this source of cash, the continued existence of the Trump organization could not have happened.

Some have claimed that hush money payments were made to alleged Donald Trump mistresses right before the 2016 election, which if true would be clear and intentional violations of federal campaign finance law. Trump could not have XXXXREDACTEDXXXX paid off these women to avoid scandal and to prevent his wife from hearing about these trysts.

Some have claimed that hush money payments were made to alleged Donald Trump mistresses right before the 2016 election, which if true would be clear and intentional violations of federal campaign finance law. Trump could not have been more transparent; he paid off these women to avoid scandal and to prevent his wife from hearing about these trysts.

Donald Trump has XXXXREDACTEDXXXX not broken any laws. Find XXXXREDACTEDXXXX Robert Mueller. XXXXREDACTEDXXXX. Lock him up.

Donald Trump has thumbed his nose at honest, hard-working Americans by his insistence that he has not broken any laws. Find anyone with an IQ over 70 who thinks Robert Mueller is on a witch hunt and had a grudge against the president. The evidence is overwhelming: Trump broke the law. Lock him up.

McCain Responds to Trump

BY STEVE BATES

I have just attended a séance in which the medium was successful in contacting the late John McCain. The following is a complete transcript of his message for President Trump:

I’d like to say how very sorry I am that I have let you down, Donald, both in life and in death. The situations in which I have mistreated you are too many to enumerate. But let me try to atone for some of my greatest sins.

It was particularly unbecoming of the warrior that I am to allow myself to be captured during the Vietnam War. Much of the time that I was in captivity, I was hoping that you were managing to find some comfort. I know that you are a perfectionist and suffered every time that you could not find just the right keg party to attend or were forced to bed down with a brunette or redhead when you couldn’t seduce the blonde of your choice.

I thought that you would have a soft spot in your heart—assuming you do have a heart—after my father arranged for you to receive a war deferment based on that laughable claim of bone spurs. (They have not hampered your ability to play golf all these years, I see.) And no, I don’t recall my father talking about you thanking him for his help.

I admit that I let you down during my years in the Senate. I had never promised that I would vote for repeal of Obamacare, you might recall. Your worthless advisers had hoped that I would, and I must say that you showed magnificent restraint and flexibility after the vote by changing your mind and deciding not to have them executed.

It was cruel of me to provide the government with the dossier indicating your close relationship with various low-life individuals in Russia. And by low-life I mean your buddy Putin, not to mention his high-paid thugs. A little suggestion: Next time you need to relieve yourself in a hotel room, check for hidden cameras.

It was all my fault that Robert Mueller instigated that witch hunt against you, your family, and several dozen of your closest associates. I know now that I should have ignored rock-solid evidence of your money laundering, rigging the 2016 presidential election and using the presidency as your private piggy bank.

Yes, I should have contacted you to thank you after you reluctantly agreed to have your frightened underlings arrange for my funeral. Your two seconds of work devoted to that decision were surely among the most challenging and strenuous seconds you have put in since becoming the Leader of the Free World. In my defense, I was kind of busy Up Here getting oriented to my new surroundings. But I let you down, and I am sorry.

Donald, I hope that you life a long and full life. Because I have been told by reliable sources Up Here that, when you finally die, there won’t be any room for you.