BY STEVE BATES
The In Sight blog has learned of a horrific plot in which the real President Donald Trump was kidnapped almost four years ago and replaced by an impostor.
The real Trump has been imprisoned at an undisclosed location. Recently, he escaped, greatly and bravely, and he is just now telling his amazing story to our intrepid reporter.
Intrepid Reporter: Who kidnapped you?
The real President Trump: It was hard to tell. It was night, and I was busy [expletive deleted] Melania in the Blair House across the street from the White House, right before Inauguration Day. They broke down the door, tied me up and probably touched me a little down there—out of envy, of course. Then I was flown to an unknown location and locked in a dingy basement. But I’m sure they were left-wing commie pinko socialist wackos.
Why do you say that?
Well, they made me watch PBS all day and forced me to eat vegetables at least twice a week.
That sounds horrible. Are you okay?
Yes, because I am strong and virile and powerful and the people love me. Especially older people. And people in Florida and Pennsylvania and Arizona. And women, especially women. God, how they love me. In fact, while I was captured, there was this liberal pinko socialist girl, probably about 24, with really big—really big principles. (Winks.) And she couldn’t keep her hands off me. Day and night, I tell you. I mean—
Can we get back to your dramatic escape? How did you manage it?
I told them I knew a place where they could have sex with immigrant children and farm animals and they could worship the devil and eat granola and all the other evil things they like. They didn’t believe me at first. Then I mentioned that they could vote by mail, too. That really got them lathered up, those scumbag leftists. So I led them to the Elks Lodge in the nearest town and revealed my true identity to a couple of drunk veterans with PTSD. They hid me in the bathroom and pulled out their semi-automatics and turned that barroom into an abattoir. But I was free.
How exciting. I’ll bet we can get Quentin Tarantino to direct the movie version. But if you don’t mind my asking, how do we know that you are the real President Trump and that the guy in the White House is a fake? After all, he looks and sounds pretty much like you.
Are you kidding? Do you think that a real president would extort a foreign leader for political gain, give tax cuts only to the rich, ignore a dangerous pandemic, put forth invented scandals and conspiracy theories by the dozens and call for his opponents to be jailed? Whoever he is, the guy is completely batshit crazy.