Freezing Illegal Immigration

BY STEVE BATES

The In Sight blog has been granted an exclusive tour of a prototype 800,000-square-foot migrant holding facility here in the boder town of Nogirlies, Texas. Our guide is ICE Interim Assistant Deputy Undersecretary Dudley Force.

“It’s awfully cold in here, Mr. Interim Assistant Deputy Undersecretary.”

“That’s because we have nearly 4,000 migrants frozen in these mammoth blocks of ice. We have to keep them from thawing. And you can just call me Interim.”

“Thanks, Interim. You can just call me the In Sight blog. Did I just hear you say that you have  people frozen in ice?”

New Kids in the Block

“Yes. We have a humanitarian crisis because so many people are arriving illegally. We tried keeping them in jails, in tents and in school gyms–even dumping them at McDonalds in the hope that they would get hired or simply hang out there indefinitely. There’s just too many migrants. And this border with the Evil Empire of Central America is ground zero.”

“Um, isn’t that Mexico right beyond that imaginary Wall?”

“Mexico. Central America. All the same. Bad hombres.”

“If you say so. Now, how does freezing people address the humanitarian crisis?”

“You and other Enemies of the State who write fake news have obsessed over our practice of separating children from their parents. Here, they remain in close proximity. Look, we’re thawing out a woman and her four children who are scheduled for a hearing on their spurious asylum claim. They’re far from separated.”

“Yes, I see that they are stuck together.”

“A temporary problem. We have staffers with blowtorches who can fix that.”

“Isn’t it dangerous to freeze people in ice?”

“You know, we didn’t think about that. We just saw a problem and decided to act decisively. Our president likes that kind of decision making.”

“Does it hurt when they are frozen and thawed out?

“Well, it might. But we have to do something to deter illegal immigration. And look: This family that has been frozen for three weeks looks as good as new. I’m sure that their vision and motor skills will return soon.”

“I notice that their skin has been bleached white by spending so much time in ice.”

“Just a fortunate side effect.”

“How did you come up with the idea of freezing migrants?”

“We are ICE, after all. We thought: Why not live up to the name?”

 “I heard a rumor that the president is going to tour this facility next week.”

“More fake news. Off the record, he keeps getting confused by the names ICE and ISIS.”

“What’s that siren for?”

“Head for the shelter! He must be bombing us again!”

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Dear Graduates: Good Luck. You’ll Need It.

BY STEVE BATES

I am honored to be the featured speaker at today’s graduation ceremony here at Whatsamatta U. I hope that every one of you in the audience today enjoys a successful and rewarding future. But let’s face it, the chances of that happening are close to zero.

Let’s start with perhaps the biggest challenge you face: climate change. How many of you are engineers or environmental scientists? I count maybe four hands. That’s sad. Someone has to fix this problem. Heck, now that we know that wind turbines cause cancer, there are few options left that might slow or reverse the disastrous impact that humans are having on the planet.

It will take leadership. But look at the political environment today. We see increased polarization between the left and right in Washington. And that divide reflects an equally strong split among Americans in general. It seems like half the country are godless, fire-breathing, radical, hippie socialists who eat unborn babies, while the other half are evangelical, ultra-conservative, keep-your-hands-off-my-millions cave dwellers who eat dinner at 4:30.

What little leadership we have might soon be preoccupied with sending more Americans off to fight wars with North Korea, Iran and Mexico. Mexico? Got to stop those godless, fire-breathing, radical, hippie, socialist immigrants from sneaking into the country and stealing all those low-paying jobs that no one else will take.

Maybe, you think, these problems have little to do with you. Perhaps you are more concerned about paying the rent and those massive student loans. Ah, I see that the words “student loans” have gotten your attention—even from a few of you who had been dozing in the back. Well, I am here to announce that I intend to pay off none of your loans. Your problem.

As you try to establish your careers, avoid fentanyl overdoses and unwanted pregnancies, and generally find your places in this messed-up world, I offer this perspective: As bad as things are now, they can only get worse.

You might become the top hedge fund manager or establish new records in arena football. You might discover new cancer treatments or sell more paintings than Picasso. But along the way your knees and back will begin to ache, and before you know it you’ll be discussing things like long-term-care insurance and do-not-resuscitate orders.

I suspect that there is one burning question before you right now. Why in God’s name am I here giving this non-inspirational address today? The answer is twofold: One, I came cheap. And two, the administrators here at Whatsamatta U. decided that it would be best to feature a speaker who embodies everything that went wrong in the past several decades. As a Baby Boomer, I and my generation are totally responsible for f-ing up your world.

So, get out there and do just the opposite of what us old farts have done. It’s your only chance.

The Mueller Report Revealed

BY STEVE BATES

The “In Sight” blog has received an advance copy of the long-awaited Mueller Report, both the Redacted and Unredacted versions. Crucial excerpts are featured below. Each Redacted passage is followed by the original version as written by the Mueller team.

This blog is indebted to the courageous person who leaked this material for this worldwide scoop. This blog will never reveal its source. This blog is particularly insistent that the report was not leaked by former Robert Mueller assistant Fred, with whom we had several drinks last night. Don’t even think about Fred as being the source. Even though we picked up the tab and Fred needed help just to make it to the men’s room….

President Trump made no attempt to XXXXREDACTEDXXXX obstruct justice. XXXXREDACTEDXXXX. Trump is not XXXXREDACTEDXXXX a crook.

President Trump made no attempt to hide how fiercely he intended to obstruct justice. He acted blatantly and shamelessly by trying repeatedly to stop or limit this investigation. He admitted to Lester Holt on national television that his reason for firing then-FBI Director James Comey was that he was unhappy with the probe. When officials declined to follow his orders to try to cut short the investigation, he threatened or publicly humiliated them. Trump is not to be believed regarding this obstruction. He is clearly a crook.

The Russian Federation attempted to ensure XXXXREDACTEDXXXX a fair U.S. election in 2016. XXXXREDACTEDXXXX. There is no XXXXREDACTEDXXXX collusion or  conspiracy.

The Russian Federation attempted to ensure that Donald Trump won the presidential election. Russia utilized social media as well as other tactics to shift opinion to help Trump and hurt Hillary Clinton. Russia was determined to undermine our belief that it was possible to have a fair U.S. election in 2016. Members of the Trump family, the Trump campaign and Trump organization met with repeatedly with nefarious Russian agents to ensure that Trump would win. There was clear coordination of the release of stolen Democratic emails to undermine the Clinton campaign. There is no evidence that Donald Trump and his minions were the least bit ashamed of collusion or conspiracy.

Money laundering by the Trump organization XXXXREDACTEDXXXX could not have happened.

Money laundering by the Trump organization is a longstanding practice. After banks around the globe realized that the Trump brand was synonymous with bankruptcy, the Trumps turned to shady and downright illegal sources of financing. Much of this came from Russian oligarchs with close ties to President Putin. Without this source of cash, the continued existence of the Trump organization could not have happened.

Some have claimed that hush money payments were made to alleged Donald Trump mistresses right before the 2016 election, which if true would be clear and intentional violations of federal campaign finance law. Trump could not have XXXXREDACTEDXXXX paid off these women to avoid scandal and to prevent his wife from hearing about these trysts.

Some have claimed that hush money payments were made to alleged Donald Trump mistresses right before the 2016 election, which if true would be clear and intentional violations of federal campaign finance law. Trump could not have been more transparent; he paid off these women to avoid scandal and to prevent his wife from hearing about these trysts.

Donald Trump has XXXXREDACTEDXXXX not broken any laws. Find XXXXREDACTEDXXXX Robert Mueller. XXXXREDACTEDXXXX. Lock him up.

Donald Trump has thumbed his nose at honest, hard-working Americans by his insistence that he has not broken any laws. Find anyone with an IQ over 70 who thinks Robert Mueller is on a witch hunt and had a grudge against the president. The evidence is overwhelming: Trump broke the law. Lock him up.

McCain Responds to Trump

BY STEVE BATES

I have just attended a séance in which the medium was successful in contacting the late John McCain. The following is a complete transcript of his message for President Trump:

I’d like to say how very sorry I am that I have let you down, Donald, both in life and in death. The situations in which I have mistreated you are too many to enumerate. But let me try to atone for some of my greatest sins.

It was particularly unbecoming of the warrior that I am to allow myself to be captured during the Vietnam War. Much of the time that I was in captivity, I was hoping that you were managing to find some comfort. I know that you are a perfectionist and suffered every time that you could not find just the right keg party to attend or were forced to bed down with a brunette or redhead when you couldn’t seduce the blonde of your choice.

I thought that you would have a soft spot in your heart—assuming you do have a heart—after my father arranged for you to receive a war deferment based on that laughable claim of bone spurs. (They have not hampered your ability to play golf all these years, I see.) And no, I don’t recall my father talking about you thanking him for his help.

I admit that I let you down during my years in the Senate. I had never promised that I would vote for repeal of Obamacare, you might recall. Your worthless advisers had hoped that I would, and I must say that you showed magnificent restraint and flexibility after the vote by changing your mind and deciding not to have them executed.

It was cruel of me to provide the government with the dossier indicating your close relationship with various low-life individuals in Russia. And by low-life I mean your buddy Putin, not to mention his high-paid thugs. A little suggestion: Next time you need to relieve yourself in a hotel room, check for hidden cameras.

It was all my fault that Robert Mueller instigated that witch hunt against you, your family, and several dozen of your closest associates. I know now that I should have ignored rock-solid evidence of your money laundering, rigging the 2016 presidential election and using the presidency as your private piggy bank.

Yes, I should have contacted you to thank you after you reluctantly agreed to have your frightened underlings arrange for my funeral. Your two seconds of work devoted to that decision were surely among the most challenging and strenuous seconds you have put in since becoming the Leader of the Free World. In my defense, I was kind of busy Up Here getting oriented to my new surroundings. But I let you down, and I am sorry.

Donald, I hope that you life a long and full life. Because I have been told by reliable sources Up Here that, when you finally die, there won’t be any room for you.

Let’s Build That Wall

BY STEVE BATES

As a raging far-left Democrat/Socialist/Wild-and-Crazy sort of liberal, I have been staunchly opposed to President Trump’s border wall. But I have come around to the belief that if we can find a way to build it cheaply, the pointless political standoff will end and the government can get back to the business of ignoring the needs of the populace.

So here are my suggestions for ways we can get the wall done without billions of dollars in costs for concrete and/or steel:

A MOAT: We can simply rent a few backhoes, dig a canal, and wait for summer rains to fill it. Volunteers from border states will add alligators, piranhas, sharks, sick immigrant kids and other scary things that will await anyone stupid enough to try to cross it.

COAL: Better yet, make a wall out of Clean Coal, if such a thing really exists. This will give that moribund mining economy a boost. And once the Democrats regain full control of the government, we can burn the wall in one hell of a party. Ribs, anyone?

SOYBEANS: Thousands of farmers are stuck with tons of these beans because of the trade embargoes. Dump them along the border, and people trying to cross illegally will slip and slide so badly they will wish they stayed in the drug cartel back home.

SANDBAGS: These are cheap to make and stack, and they will come in handy when global warming turns Mexico into an ocean.

BARBED WIRE: It will only take a few dozen murdering rapist immigrants getting tangled in this and bleeding to death on national television for the caravans to head elsewhere, such as Cancun.

A HOLOGRAM: Put the high-tech people to work on a device that will project the image of a wall, complete with sharp spikes and burly Game of Thrones types prepared to toss spears or dump boiling oil on would-be illegal immigrants.

A SOUND BARRIER: Install loudspeakers along the border and blast those boys with a constant barrage of ear-splitting music, such as AC/DC. If you  want to get nasty, broadcast the theme to “Green Acres” over and over and over.

LAUNDRY LINT: For years, the greatest scientific minds have been struggling to find a use for laundry lint. The National Laundry Lint Reserve has reached several billion metric tons. Let’s put it to work.

STOCK CERTIFICATES: By Spring, the stock market will have crashed. Take all those paper stock certificates and stack them along the border. They have to be good for something.

THE WORLD’S LONGEST CASINO: This would require an investor with a track record of business success in this industry, who has never failed and is the best, really the best, at everything. I can think of one such business man. Someone who might be out of a job in the near future. Bigly.

Exclusive Interview With President Trump

BY STEVE BATES

The following is a transcript of the In Sight blog’s exclusive interview with President Trump, conducted during a two-minute presidential bathroom break aboard Air Force One. It has not been edited or censored in any way except to paraphrase 23 expletives inappropriate for adult readers.

Thank you for your time, Mr. President. How are you today?

Pass me the toilet paper.

Uh, the only paper I see is the New York Times.

Yes, that’s what I use.

Here you go. Let me congratulate you for your victory in the Missisippi Senate race. Your candidate won by a strong margin.

Yes, I can take full credit for that. I encouraged her to use that “public hanging” phrase. Really fired up the base.

I see. Can I ask you about the climate change report that your administration just issued?  It painted a pretty bleak picture.

There is no climate change report.

Well, I read it.

I don’t believe it. The climate can’t change, because there is no climate. It’s just something made up by radical Hollywood elites.

No climate? Then what causes weather, like rain and hurricanes?

That’s just fake news.

Good to know. What about your daughter’s use of a private email server to conduct government business. Isn’t that the same thing that Hillary Clinton did?

Not at all. Hillary revealed state secrets, like the nuclear missile codes and the location of the Confederate treasury. Ivanka was just sending out Christmas greetings. This whole fake witch hunt is part of the War on Christmas. Christ, it makes me sick. Hand me another section of the Times.

I’m interested in your plans to build a border wall. Where will you get the money?

It’s already under way. Prison inmates, children taken from migrant families, and aliens who have been sequestered at Area 51 all these years are building it now. Even little old ladies who live near the border are knitting razor wire fences. It’s inspiring.

Wow. What about the Mueller investigation? Are you concerned about what he might claim?

Not at all. I have seen the report, and I can say proudly that it concludes that there was no collusion. No collusion!

How did you get a copy, if you don’t mind me asking?

Why should I tell you?

Well, no one reads my blog, so your secret is safe with me.

My staff is finishing work on the report right now.

Your staff? I though Mueller was writing it.

The real Mueller has been undergoing extreme interrogation at Guantanamo for six months. We created a body double to take his place. (Flushes.) Your time is up. Get out of here.

One last question.

Don’t push it, pal. I can make one call and a bunch of Saudi friends of mine will make sure this column is you last.

Time to Retire

BY STEVE BATES

After giving the matter very little thought over a short period of time, I have decided to retire.

[Pause to allow cheering to die down.]

I admit that this is somewhat anticlimactic for a freelance writer. Many people don’t consider the gig economy to be part of the “real” employment market. I don’t feel that way.

In June 2013, when I left my last full-time job at the Society for Human Resource Management and began accepting freelance assignments, I was pleased to find that I was working about 40 hours per week almost immediately. However, the party didn’t last forever. In the past two years, I have dealt with family crises, surgeries, all sorts of prescription drugs and a disturbing increase in orphan socks. All of these issues have left me with less bandwidth and focus than I would like.

Anyone who follows baseball is familiar with the veteran pitcher who keeps hanging on long after he is effective, hoping for a last shot at glory and few measly million bucks. But he has lost the hop on his fastball, and he is a shadow of his former self. That’s probably not the way he wants to be remembered. Same for me.

I retire happy with what I have done professionally since I started contributing articles to the Richmond-News Leader while I was a college student in the 1970s. I got five backs per article. (It seemed like a lot at the time.) My last journalism class was in the tenth grade, so I guess you can say I overachieved.

One of my favorite memories is from my stint as a copy editor for the Richmond Times-Dispatch. Faced with a narrow column in which to fit a headline about a man arrested for a sex crime, I wrote:

Sexual
Battery
Charged

It seemed innocuous enough. But the next morning, the newspaper’s switchboard was inundated with readers asking where they could get theirs charged.

Several years later, I was sitting in a Washington Post news conference when an editor mentioned that one of his female reporters, who happened to be quite attractive and talented, was rumored to be a candidate for a TV network job. With impeccable timing, Executive Editor Ben Bradlee responded: “Arrange for a scar.”

My favorite article was written while I was at the Post. It was about two children with failing livers at a pediatric hospital in Philadelphia. One donor liver became available. To whom should the surgeon give it? The kid from rural Pennsylvania, or the one from Bolivia? In a somewhat Solomon-like action, the surgeon gambled and sliced the liver in half and transplanted a piece into each child.

What made the story really special for me was that, while the parents were waiting anxiously for the surgeon to finish work, the families bonded strongly. None of them spoke more than a word or two of the other couple’s language, but that didn’t stop them. The last I heard, the two kids had reached adulthood in good health.

I had hoped to continue my career for a few more years, but I got reality check during a recent visit to my doctor. I started hearing voices. They said the same word over and over: “Battery…. Battery….” I thought it was my subconscious mind beating me up for that awful headline back in the 1980s. It turns out that it was just my hearing aids trying to tell me they needed more juice. But I took it as a sign.

Now, some of you have reacted very strongly to my suggestion that I might abandon this blog as well. Despite your fervent pleadings, I have decided to continue it anyway. At least for a while.

In addition, I will write science fiction short stories as long as editors keep buying them. The great thing about sci-fi is that you don’t have to worry about accuracy. You can invent universes in which anything is possible. Well, almost anything. In all the possible universes, there is none in which Congress actually gets anything accomplished.

Some things never change.